come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, November 24, 2008

my confession - trigger warning

i posted a secret of my, not brave enough to say it here, or anywhere.
it published last week. imagine my surprise when i read my story so publicly.
yes, i know, the whole world didn't see it. but someone did, and i am still alive, i am here to see that i could live through it.

i have decided to pay particular attention to the advice that i was given by Darlene Barriere

my secret:
Sexual Abuse Story From My Closet: Today I want to rid myself of a part of my story that I don't feel brave enough to share anywhere else. I can't take it anymore. I don't sleep. I find myself causing suffering for anyone around me because I am so angry all the time. I am faking being a wife and a mother. Parts of it I enjoy, but until I heal the craters of pain, I am much like a dormant volcano; when it erupts it will be chaos and destruction for all who are trying to love me.At about 6 years old, maybe, a cousin decided to fondle his curiosity, me. Then maybe a couple of years later, an adopted uncle (only a few years my senior) did the same. I think this was practice, or maybe like a toe in the water, for what I would face just a year later.A man came into my mother's life who would destroy my world. He started as a worker in our home. He spent his mornings feeling me, literally. His hand would find its way into my underwear and then inside me. I would pretend to be asleep. It never worked. Pretty soon he was telling me that if he had to take my mom along he would to be with me. It was unreal. I didn't understand it.But then again, for the first time in my life someone was paying attention to me. My mom had always treated me with indifference. This attention was new.It went on to become severe sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuse. At 16 I had been raped and used daily for 7 straight years. When I told my mom, she abandoned me. It was my fault, it didn't happen, I was lying. My dad couldn't take me, so I was a foster care child. I went into the next part of my life, pretending that I was okay; and that is where I am today. Still pretending.


Anonymous said...

The only thing I can do after read this is leave a *hug* I understand, I do. I am just opening up my mouth about my abuse, and will be blogging more and more about it. It was horrific and for most people, probably unbelievable. We will see what happens when I really open up.

mile191 said...


i don't mind if you link to my blog. i linked to yours after i read your comment. i hope that is okay. i hope you will open up about it. even if it makes people cringe to read about it. until we speak out i don't think the world knows what abuse really is, how messed up we become and how atrocious it really is. the world tends to sugar coat so much. thank you for your kind words. each time i write i feel like i am empowered more against my abuser. like for once the humiliation is his. thank you so much for reading me. i am trying to comment on your blog. i hope you see this soon. i will keep trying. i wasn't very successful the first time. take care and hugs to you too. ♥

Anonymous said...

Yes! I got your comment at my blog, but I also wanted to comment you here since you took time to write me! I am glad you allow me to link you on my blogroll. It is hard (for me anyhow) to find others like me, when I do I want to know more of them, read what they feel. I am trying to stop being dad's victim. My abuse just stopped a few weeks ago. :-( I know most people would never understand that, but he has had me brainwashed since I was tiny. I finally said no more, and I hope he just stays away. I am getting my voice, and I know some of the things I am going to be writing will make people cringe, and maybe even not believe that a child can be that tortured, but I am writing anyway. I have to get it out, I am tired of holding all of this inside. Anyhow, I will continue to read you, and I hope you will continue to read and comment me as well! I am also here for you if you ever need anyone!

mile191 said...

i am here. i will read you, i am sorry you went through what you did. have the courage to write anything that will help you to heal. you are not alone.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191