come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What is a survivor anyway?

I had to go back to a blog I read earlier today.
Someone out there who writes how I feel.

If this is YOU reading ME, I am going to send this comment to you;
because I am wondering.

My brain won't stop tonight. the tub tonight I was thinking, what is up with the word survivor?
everyone smiles at me and says, "you survived."
You are doing so great! SMILE, CHEESE, SMILE, BS BS

How come no one sees me looking back with a blank, sad stare.

Like when I was a kid and they saw my life through rose colored glasses.

So messed up.

Survivors are victims; trying to make it. Yes, I survived, but to do what, live with the victimization that I put on myself every day. my mind wont stop, my body memories aren't going away. i cry, i fall apart, i cant seem to handle simple daily tasks sometimes. the anxiety and depression just takes over.

One thing I am good at is faking that I am okay.

I seem to be pulling a lot off.

so here i am blogging to heal.

i will do something with this, but when people say Survivor to me, i don't get it.

It is like that word makes other people feel comfortable around me.

and i think that the Survivor (CBS) show has made it cool to be called a Survivor; society thinks that all it is about is going without food and water and looking destroyed on television for a season.

That is so unreal; unrealistic. [yes, i watch the show, every season]

To me a survivor is a victim disguised; trying to make it, trying to matter, trying to heal.

Are you okay today? I am worried about you. Please write if you can.


LulaBelle said...

I'm quite sure I'm not the person you are referring to, but I'd like to say this.

I don't know how to deal with the horrific images that flood my brain either. I have learned to shut them out, only to have them resurface in my dreams.

But it's not as frequent as it used to be.

There is hope, I think, for us.

Strong and determined said...

There is hope...

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191