come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Shadow, THANKS:

click on the picture to take you to shadows post about being trapped

I really needed to read her words today. I haven't been blogging much in my closet. Actually I have been blogging alot, but too insecure to publicly post them. I have been a big chicken baby. It seems that I have posted them, and then removed them, and then posted something else, and then removed it again.

Then I just removed everything. I don't know what I am afraid of. You all have been so nice to me. I think I just feel so embarrassed about myself and where I have been, that I cant stand to read my own words.

Shadow wrote:
"we allow our thoughts to bind us with chains
we listen to can’t and now what we may
we find ourselves travelling down roads pre-determined
throw caution to wind, end up being chastened
and one day we wonder why anxieties rule
our soul is caught, our dreams out of fuel
spent on the wishes prescribed by another
living the lives of our parents, our mother
instead of believing we can what we want
and making it happen with passion our front
the shield and goal to freedom alive
living the things from which pleasure derive"

I feel trapped, yes; I feel chained to my pain. And I am faking life again. Pretending to be okay, hiding out when I am not. I hide a lot lately.

I avoid a lot lately.

So I want to thank shadow, for writing what is in her heart and having the courage to share it, inspiring many of us to do the same, not as well as she does, but to share what is within us. I have been writing the love story of Mr. B and me on my other blog. It is amazing to think that through all of this he is so good to me. I think that my reflections on our life together is helping to pull me out of my depression.

So today. I am going in and going to repost everything. Now, this doesn't mean that everything I post is how I feel today, it is how I felt the day I posted it.

Today, I feel okay. I feel scared to face what I need to accomplish. Everything seems bigger than me. But I am going out to brunch with a friend, I am going to my daughters Science Fair presentation, I am going to make dinner for my kids and husband [all these are REALLY BIG things for me to be attempting.] I am going to the grocery store - something that causes me HORRIBLE anxiety, and I am going to watch the Charlie Brown Valentine Special with my kids tonight, and hopefully get some snuggling out of them. So, mission number one is to face my fears, here, this is me. I am doing my best, today. And that in itself is enough. I will check back in with you as to how this goes. Being accountable is empowering to me. THanKS for reading.
Happy Valentines Day
to you my friends.
Here is a valentine for you all.
Copy and paste, from me, Mile 191.


Shadow said...

hugs my sweet girl. i don't mind at all. i feel honoured to have been able to help you. love you lots!

Shadow said...

okay, call me blonde!!!!! (no offense to blondes) i didn't put you and your other blog together..... thanks for the valentine.

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Miss Mile191,
I kind of like the way that sounds, "Miss Mile..." - love the MMMM sound. How about "Marvelous Miss Mile moving a million miles forward" - all in good time.

I love your blog from the closet. I'm willing to join you there anytime you want. I've been in my own closet in the past and am willing to put out my hand in support and encouragement as you explore your own closet.

Welcome back. Doing your best - just one day at a time - can't get much better than that, my dear. I mean it.

We may judge ourselves very harshly that our best today isn't enough, but that is a lie. It is enough. You are enough.

I send prayers for you as you brunch with your friend, attend daughter's Science Fair, make dinner for kids and hubby, and go to the grocery. Also hope you and children enjoy the Charlie Brown Valentine Special.

Thanks for the Valentine!

We love you Miss Mile.

Hope said...

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are brave and beautiful.

Beth Fehlbaum, Author said...

Hang in there.
Beth Fehlbaum, author
Courage in Patience, a story of HOPE...
Ch. 1 is online

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191