come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, February 20, 2009


..I got REALLY moody tonight and reacted VERY poorly to some situations.

I blogged about this but still don't feel that I have been really HONEST enough about how I feel, so here I my closet. To hopefully fix my frustrations by writing.

QUOTE [myself]:
"CONTENTION: an act or instance of contending,

an idea or point for which a person argues, competition.

Okay, I am always dissecting words and their meanings. I find that for me the process of working through things comes from true understanding of them.

Tonight we went out as a family.

I wrote on my family blog the positive highlights and infer that there are two sides to the story.

This is the other side of the story.

I find by looking at words, you can really move mountains...

... contention, KNOWING full well that that WORD is what caused my grief tonight amidst the peace of the Temple experience.

I even dissected the experience as we drove... TELLING EVERYONE ELSE THAT CONTENTION IS the awful root of DESTRUCTIVE REACTIONS that potentially can RUIN family experiences that would OTHERWISE be meaningful memories.

CONTENTION. So destructive, and truly satan's way of COMPETING with the spirit.

Let me suggest something that I discovered.

Usually in any given situation which contains CONTENTION, you just have to change a little something here or there. ie: a reaction, a choice of feeling a certain way because of someone else, forgiveness, hope, peace.

When I looked up the word contention I found the word CONTENTMENT right after contention.

Actually I found a lot of words surrounding contention, and none of them were as negative. In fact they included:

contemplation: the act of thinking about spiritual things: MEDITATION

contend: COMPLETE, to TRY HARD to deal with

...change one letter...

contenT: pleased, satisfied with what one has to do.

content - 2: to make content...[ ACTION], to SATISFY

content - 3: freedom from care or discomfort

contented: satisfied, or showing satisfaction with one's possessions or one's situation in life.

and FINALLY I want to get to the word: CONTENTMENT


now, i find in breaking apart these words that when you get rid of ION in contention and replace it with MENT that you have such a better SITUATION.

Here is where I have to suggest that there is two more really important words and definitions.

Tonight we watched a temple presentation which suggested the definition of restore as being to give back, to return and to put back to use or service.

The presentation talked about the RESTORATION of our church; The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the gospel of Jesus Christ,

...and the truth that Families can be FOREVER because the church was restored and our covenants and promises, potentials were restored to us through our Prophet. I felt peace with this.

THEN I REACTED to the contention...rather than minding my own business and peacefully appreciating the moment.

So, tonight, I looked up the word contention and found contentment right next to it.

I thought how perfectly interesting. contentment has MENT, like in the word Atonement.

I have always seen the word ATONEMENT as being AT ONE ME N be at one with me and Christ. The T is the cross, Christ's sacrifice for each one of us and when we become ONE with HIM, he heals us, he carries our burdens, he makes our forgiving others possible, and he makes our being forgiven possible.

All this restored to us through the gospel, and our belief in it. My believing.

So tonight's CONTENTIONS really take on a new light, as I pick apart...I guess I don't need to really do the complaining about each incident. In this new light those circumstances are forgiven and forgotten.

I sat down with the intention to vent my frustrations, thinking certainly that someone would read them and feel really sorry for me. Then I picked up one of my Family History's: The Bigler Heritage. I opened it to page 106, the middle of the book and read from Daniel Erins Autobiography written one year before his death [makes writing a bit of personal history mean so much more to me]:

"This has been one of the grandest experiences that any man could have--to live with a wife of 56 years. Oh, we've had lots of fights, but they were never serious. My father told me the night I was married, he said, "Now Erin, (he called me Erin, everyone else called me Daniel) I want to give you a little advice. Regardless of how much trouble you and Jenny get into, when you kneel down to pray you put your arm around each other and kiss each otheer good night. The next morning there'll be a happy rainbow for you." I never forgot that. That has been the thing, we have never failed.

The night we were married, we knelt down by the bed and thanked God for the privilege we've had this day in His House of receiving the blessings of eternal marriage. From that day til this, there's never been a night but what she and I have knelt together and prayed and thanked the Lord for our children, for our grandchildren, and all our friends and neighbors and people who've come about us, and pray that we may be able in a pleasing manner to impress them with the principles of the Gospel that has kept us clean and pure all our lives."

Okay, this is a bit long, and it is getting late. But I had to say that I am VERY grateful for the wisdom of these historical words, and the blessing of being pushed a bit to open the book and instead of complaining away my whoas finding a way to show GRATITUDE for being blessed. Contention turns to contentment. And while the problems that happened tonight are not yet resolved, and I have some forgiveness to ask for [my being really mean; REACTING, and such], I HAVE HOPE. And the tools to now move on.

TODAY, our 16th anniversary, which celebrations I was ready to THROW away, and said hurtful things to my husband, and decided to write a rampage rambling, has turned soft.

I have to say thanks to someone for commenting tonight [on my family blog]:

"We women can be messed up emotional little things under the best of circumstances. Thank Heavens for the wonderful men that love us." ---BoyMom [she has 7 husband !!!THANK YOU BOY MOM...!!!]

This comment...made me think about my behavior. The influence we have on one another here is tremendous. Don't take it lightly, for your words made me rethink my reaction and now my actions to heal the hurt I caused will be softer.

And hopefully our 16th Anniversary will be as memorable as the many before, and we will be on our way to 56...g'nite and hugs and love to you...thanks for sharing our adventures! I am glad you are here with me!!!"

close quote

SOOOOO, here I come, to my closet. My reality when you scratch the surface. My writing and re-reading as I post here has really helped me to think....THINK...

And I THINK I will go to bed....sleep and seek forgiveness. I can be so unkind when I get my feelings hurt. I feel honestly so sad that I react the way that I do.

HMMMM, there is some good in me, and my kids got my GOOD tonight, in the end I did good to them. But my poor husband. I said some really mean things, and I feel bad. I know that I am under a LOT of stress, pressure, strain, PAIN, and trying to heal and forgive, but HE DIDN"T deserve my rampage. I must go, ask forgiveness, and heal in the arms of his love, sleeping it off. AND then I will review and hopefully RENEW and restore and CELEBRATE. TODAY 16 YEARS. Major for me. We made it thus far. On to another better 16 and beyond...

thanks, I really do appreciate YOU being here to read my ramblings...hugs ♥


Shadow said...

how you feeling today? lend a line, lend 2, as long as they help you!

steveroni said...

Paid a late Friday visit to your closet (it is now Saturday!), and had a VERY pleasany time.

The company was really what made the visit memorable. I made me remember that God is in charge--always. And that He is working all the time--in our lives--even when we are unaware.
Bless you, Mile 191
Steve E.

LADYBUG said...

Many times I have thought that when I come to apology and ask forgiveness, that person I hurt with my sharp words will not be there to hear me repented. I always count to ten before I open my mouth. You are doing well because you are finding lots of meaning to your life in the now.
God bless you and your family, and for your husband bless his heart.

Prayer Girl said...

Recovery is like this many times:
three steps forward
two steps back
three steps forward
one step back
two steps forward!

If you analyze this progression, you will see that the overall pattern is forward, it's progress. So it is with you and so it is with me and so it is with most, if not all of us.

Love you Mile191. KUTGW :)

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191