come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I hope... [a rambling]

Wow, I feel like a new person. I have been in such a rut and it feels good to be working through it. I don't feel great. But I do have hope.

I can't say what has changed. I decided to come write to see if through my word processing I can understand a bit better.

I have been in a real state of confusion and sadness. The feelings of inadequacy, and hopelessness, just sure and pure depression. I can't really think of it now without realizing that I have put everyone around me through a lot. A lot of worry, a lot of confusion, a lot of frustration. And I have taken quite a bit of flack for feeling what I am feeling. I have had a lot of really negative input about myself.

Sadly, that doesn't make anything better. When a person is feeling down and out, they don't need to be criticized for it.

Seriously. I have had everything from Get Over It, to being gifted Self Help books, to being told what a jerk I am being.

Hello. I know I am not being my best self right now. That is part of being down and depressed. I accepted where I was at, and even tried to overcome it in a quick and not put everyone around me out. But you can't help feeling what you are feeling when you are feeling it. And I surely was.

Better than supressing it all and having to deal with that later on. I spent most of my life supressing and being strong for everyone around me. That is why I came here, to give it up and let it go. To analyze and overcome my past.

I am happy to say that this has been really good for me. You here have been really good to me.

Some of the best advice I have heard is that from my brother to my sister. I have to share this because it is worth recording and it makes me smile. He said to her...Be a slacker. That way no one ever expects more from you. If you start out everything you do being a slacker, than you can maintain that and people like you for who you are and what you do. Then if you do more, you are AMAZING.

But if you start out being your best self, that is what people will always EXPECT from you. If you start out mediocre that is what people expect from you.

I have put a LOT of thought into this. Mainly because it makes me laugh. My brother is SOOOOO great. He is his best self. Better than that. He is a happy person. Because he LIVES, really LIVES his life. And he is such an amazing person and gives so much to everyone in his life by just being him. I love this kid. I miss him. He is a butthead sometimes because I don't hear from him often enough. But because that has always been him I don't expect much more from him, and when I do hear from him he is a SAINT. Hence, his advice is working really well for him.

I hope this has made you at least smile to think about it. I have been smiling ever since my sister told me because she is SOOOO right. I have always been so strong, so over the top, so there for everyone. So, that is what they expect from me. And because right now I have been taking time for me. And being in my moment, and probably a lot selfish and needing to just cry and hurt and deal with being me. People don't expect that from me. So they are judgemental and bugged by my taking a break from my best self. If I were just a slacker from the beginning then I wouldn't be having the problems that I am having. So. Now I just laugh, and somehow the laughter is moving me on to the next level. Pulling me through it. Gotto love the thought. I mean seriously. If people are always giving their best, and then have a few bad days...they get fired. But if someone goes into life as a slacker and then gives a bit more one day, they get promoted, a raise, and awarded. We come to expect so much from those who give so much. I have been given much, and I have been there for everyone in my life, so my taking a breakdown is unacceptable and makes me a bitch. go figure.

okay...sorry for that interuption...but it makes so much sense to me right now.

This has also been the hardest thing I have done. I have been through a lot, but reliving it to let it go...harder.

To use my voice and not be afraid of what people will think of me. It definitly has not been easy because what people have thought and said to me has been at times very hurtful. You would think that all I would get would be support. But actually some of the people closest to me have been really critical.

I was at dinner with my husband last night and over a very enjoyable lobster [not something ordinary for us....hence, VERY enjoyable. we get to go out, but not for lobster...] Anyhow, we were talking and he said it was nice to see ME emerging. Coming out of my closet. I thought, how interesting that he would comment that is his impression. He said he wasn't sure I would pull through this depression, but that he has always had hope that I wouldn't stay broken.

Good to hear. Because I have had a lot to process, and I have hope that I haven't always been such a lost cause. I have needed space to work through some things, and I believe that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I have come through a lot and have more tools to use as I face uncertain and sometimes really bad days among the future. I am sure things are never going to be perfectly wonderful but I have such hope that I will be ready to enter the living again and be a better version of who I was, and who I am becoming.

I told him that I was sorry for what I have been putting him through. He said, no problem. I knew that you needed to go through it. I just worried that you would stay there. But good to seem me recognizing. He said he has no problem with where I have been, that he loves me and it is okay to deal with what I need to.

I told him that I have hurt a lot of people going through this. He said that I needed to do it, and it will get better. Not to worry.

So kind. And I needed his support.

I don't think it is ever wrong to take a break and deal with real raw feelings and emotions. Depression, anxiety, being over whelmed and feeling life is all reality.

For some it is the only reality that they ever know. For others it is a temporary moment.

But the one thing I know for sure is that during those times people need people to be kind. To understand and to care, and NOT to be so bitter, and impatient, and even sometimes I think we have to not be so honest.

You never can really understand a persons position in their life.

You can think you know. You can advise all you want. You can think you would handle it so much better. And maybe you would.

What people need is someone to understand. To care, to say I am sorry for what you are going through. Even: I love you. It's okay to feel what you feel. Take your time. What can I do?

Don't be offended if they say nothing, want nothing, and need to be where they are for a while. I guess that is what I have come to is a better understanding. Of what I have needed. What worked for me. What is working for me. And truly Patience, Love, Understanding that not Understanding is OKAY; these things have been what has helped me the most.

Thanks for being here. Those of you who read and comment, and care about me, those who know me and those of you who KNOW me only because you have taken the time to try to Understand, and Understand that you might never understand. But you care to you, take care of you. we are here.

These simple acts of being here with me are probably the single most thankful thing I have right now. Thanks. Thanks for caring to try to understand.

I think that the beauty here is that through adversity, through trials, through really hopeless and hurtful circumstances we become people who can really love and understand and help others. Compassion. There is a thought. We learn what compassion is, through the acts of kindness by others and in how we learn to respond. I guess something good really can come from having really hard times.

Hmmmm, I really am okay with all that I have been through because I like who I am becoming. I have a lot to work on, and would like to overcome still a lot. But today, I am happy to be me.

I am not happy with everything about me, I am not happy with a lot of things that I SHOULD be doing, or could be doing, and I have hurt a lot of people lately. I have a lot I want to fix in myself and my relationships. But I have hope and I am okay with the worst things I have had to go through to get to where I am now.

Life is worth it. I believe that there are really bad things that can happen. I am someone who easily hurts for others. I have a tendency to be really tender.

Living is amazing. But it requires that you are willing to really LIVE through what you experience; good and bad.

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith."

Henry David Thoreau: "Dont destroy your peace of mind by looking back, worrying about the past. Live in the present, enjoy the present."

This is where I am today. Right now. I had no idea what I would write. I just knew that I needed to tell myself where I was at and what I was feeling. I really do write for me. So that I can observe myself through the one thing that I really understand, the written word.

I am in a better place today than I have been in a while. I hope to inch forward. I hope to be a light to others, in their journey forward in their lives. I hope that my life is better because I chose to Live it.

I hope.


Lula said...

You are a light to me-and I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Baby steps....

Saving Grace said...

You are amazing...and this post is FILLED with insight and hope.

Prayer Girl said...

God bless you Mile191.

This is what faith is all about......believing despite appearances that the lonely, dark place one finds oneself in will eventually open up into a place of light.

I think you're seeing the light. Hallelujah!

Yesterdays_ashes said...

**safe hugs**

glad to hear you feeling more positive. just hold on to the hands of friends and remember you aren't alone now.

thank you for reaching out to be my friend.


g-man said...

One step at a time is all you can do. This is a giant leap!!
(And you ain't walkin on the moon)

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191