come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I have been writing my love story on my other blog. The Legend of Mr. B.

I decided that being caught up in his legacy has been a good place to B. I am really lucky to have such an kind, gentle, understanding and forgiving relationship. He is so good to me. Last night I took a break from the story. A silence of sorts. My son's fourth grade teacher died. Here is my post from my family-friendly blog:

"Sorry to take a break from the story. My fourth grade son's teacher died this morning and I can't think of words for the next part of our love story. Possibly it could be just to speak of the tender way my husband took my son into his arms and said, "Sorry about your teacher." Or maybe it was the way his hands patted back my boys hair, and a bit of the tears that were shed as he held him in his arms; tears shed by both of my men, for losing a teacher at such a young age makes a boy grow up too fast. Then my husband picked him up, laid my little mans head on his shoulder and held him until he had cried himself out of tears. Tomorrow wont change todays event, but in time he will find his heart has gotten used to not being use to the pain, and pretty soon he will be back at school; playing with his friends, doing math, music, recess; and he won't sigh so big, and the tears wont come as often. But not tonight."

I thought that I should let you, my supportive family here, know how I am doing. I am okay. I cried a lot yesterday. I held my son as he fell asleep. I held him this morning as he woke up. I sat with him while he wrote a valentine for his substitute teacher; the teacher who is now going to be HIS teacher for the rest of the year. She will no longer be considered a substitute; for she has inherited the position.

How am I doing with this? I am sad. Super sad. Another death for our family to deal with. Another loss; and to think that when both my grandmothers died in October, it was his teacher who hugged me; who said we could put of our Parent Teacher Conference until our family had dealt with the grieving. It was her tears in her eyes, her complete understanding and devotion to her students to help Sam through losing his Great-Grandmothers. Her kindness that gave him strength at school, when he was so sad. Then she was gone, suddenly, so suddenly, she was "out", having tests, surgery, chemotherapy. She had ovarian cancer, she was living at the Cancer Institute; it was a terrible cancer, one that quickly snuffed out her live, her vibrant and caring, nurturing life. Gone, so quickly.

We never got to have that parent teacher conference. It was over as quickly as it began; and now we are left to grieve the loss of our son's "favorite" ever teacher.

My hope and thought of gratitude is that we are strong. My son is so strong. He will be sad for a while. He will never forget her. Valentines Day will be a time for him to always remember the beautiful influence and mark she left on his youth. I will remember too.


steveroni said...

Sadness comes immediately to whomever reads this blog today. Sadness for your son, and you and your husband. And sadness for the teachers, who will miss her also.

One of the good is that she did not have to suffer with this malady for several years. Another thought: None of us will EVER get out alive, unless you consider the next life "living". I do!

Love ya, Mile

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm so sorry about the death of your son's favorite teacher. But, I'm glad to hear the way that you and your husband are supporting your son in his grief. It is heart-warming. I love to hear about how parents should be treating and relating with their children! That's a truly bright spot of the overall story. Thanks, I needed that!

Prayer Girl said...

This reminds me once again, so clearly, that life is a beautiful gift and that we are not given to know the hour or manner of our leaving it.

I am reminded every Monday when I go to the hospital how powerless we really are.

Thank God for my sobriety that allows me to appreciate each day of this precious life.

God bless your son's teacher, her loved ones, your son, you, your whole family.

Mama Zen said...

That is so sad! I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Hope said...

Oh, this is sad.
What a healthy way you are helping your son deal with it. You can be proud of that. Not sure how it was when you were a kid but we were left on our own to deal with death.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191