a curious case

had a date last night...with my husband

we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...

I am not a movie spoiler so I wont speak of the plot, or the summary, only a few quotes that struck me and my reaction to the movie.

I don't think I have ever said that I would NEVER see a movie again, in fact I love seeing movies more than once, and more often then not a movie that I LOVE I would see obsessively. Hence, Dangerous Beauty, hence, Secrets of the Traveling Pants, hence, Phantom of the Opera, hence, Man of La Mancha...Fiddler on the Roof, Meet Joe Black, and an abundance of Chick Flicks, even the man movies that my husband loves. I will watch pretty much anything more than once...

But this movie. No, I don't think I will EVER watch again.

It broke my already broken heart.

I am beyond in pain today. I don't know what I was thinking, seeing a movie about death. When I am still hurting so much because of deaths. The death of my father in law, the death of my grandmothers, the most recent death of my son's teacher [funeral this saturday...]

I began to cry as the buttons fell ...which is before the movie even begins.

BUTTONS. My youngest son collects them. My mom gave me the buttons from my grandmothers robe, the robe she wore the last year of her life. I sat yesterday with my mom, sewing buttons on my daughters 100 day project. One HUNDRED buttons to be sewn, hence our helping her out...NO I wouldn't normally do my childs homework....but help, YES.

Buttons...

and quotes...

I was struck by a few:

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance. "

My grandmother was a dancer...and a mother, and motherly to me.

"Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss. "

hmmmm...

"It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you. "

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

double hmmmm...

and...


"Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. "

These last two; are imprinted on my heart.

Let me explain, because I need to hear myself work through this. As I sat, openly crying, my eyes crying all the tears that I have held in for, well, ever. I was crying for my lost childhood, for being old before I was young. For missing my grandmothers, for missing my dad in law, the man who listened more than he spoke, for all the times my husband deserved more love than I gave him, for my kids, aching for the love they deserve that I have had to learn how to give, for so many reasons. I sat there unable to stop the flow of tears. We walked out of the theatre and I could have been the only person in that place, I couldn't stop crying. We went to my husbands work. As I sat across from him at his desk he looked at me and said, "I loved your Grandmother too. I am sorry you miss her so much. It doesn't get better. I still miss my dad."

I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing like a baby. The child I was not allowed to be overflowed in my tears. I cried for all the times and reasons I have never cried. I cried until I was physically overcome, and sick. I have never allowed myself to feel such pain. And it was finally coming through me. From my heart, overcoming my physical self.

Don't let me frighten you from seeing the movie. It is certainly worth all the awards and hype. A beautiful movie.

My son knows buttons, I knew an amazing grandmother, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a student, a friend. And I have amazing people. This journey, this mile in my life. The grace, the love, the experience of feeling life. I am here. I am. My life has been defined by a great deal. May I appreciate the opportunities I am given and the ones I miss. May I trust, and know that I am blessed. And may peace come to all who hurt. May I seek to be more outside of myself, and more to others may I bless. May I heal. May I realize how important people are to me BEFORE I loose them. May I let go when I should, and hang on when I shouldn't.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before.

I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "