come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

living proof

Well, I am still alive, living proof again that you can have REALLY bad days and survive them. I don't know that my REALLY bad days are worth much; I mean, I have had worse, I have lived through worse. And my feeling sorry for myself right now is really unjustified.

I have a really great life now and should have no reason to be so down. So, here I am, stuck. Realizing that I don't have a real reason to complain; I have legs to stand on, family to hold and through thick and thin they are with me.

I have food on my table, clothes on my back. I am working through my recent depression the best that I know how to. I really am living proof that you can live, even through what feels like hell sometimes.

I realized as I tried to write a gratitude list in my journal last night that my attitude kept getting in the way. I started over and over again. Pulling myself constantly back to being positive, only to find myself complaining again.

And having nothing really to complain about, I was just being hard on myself. Negative about my own doings, or lack of doing. Truly just being hard on myself.

So I decided that what I would do is make a simple list. Two things to accomplish today, and get up and do them. That is where I am at. Today I will: clean my room, write one paper for school. If I can accomplish those two things by noon I will have the rest of the day to celebrate my ability to do them. Here goes. Wish me luck. I know that to most these two things sound like a breeze, but for me today it will be like running a marathon, and I am definitely not a runner.


Prayer Girl said...

Hi Mile191,
I have had pounded into my head for a long time (in recovery) that I need to feel whatever I feel and stop censoring the H--- out of it. I need to honor my own journey - no matter how slow it might seem.

Just allow yourself to be where you are. You are doing the work, putting forth the effort, and God will honor that and take you where you need to go.

Good luck on your two things you plan to do. Something tells me you will get them done. Please remember to let us know how it goes.

Love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I know a lady that had to call her sponsor and tell her something like, "I am going to do the dishes." Then her sponsor would say, "OK, do the dishes and as soon as you are done, call me back, but just DO THE DISHES, nothing else!"

I have focus problems too! ADD, alcoholism, whatever? If I can just do one thing and finish it sometimes I feel like I have prevailed!

BTW If you did not get that stuff done, you know you will not be judged here, especially by this sick alcoholic! So post soon weather you did it or not! How important is it? (they say that in ALANON) tee, hee!

Shadow said...

hiya sweetie. i hate those days where i just don't feel right. however, pinpoint what's wrong, i can't. i can't even pinpoint what's right... hang in there, time, fortunately, passes......

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191