come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

being his whore, trigger warning

We moved during the night to Las Vegas with Bob and his three boys. How I loved the little boys and how they missed their mother. I remember when she found them and came to get them I prayed she would just keep driving and never bring them back. I loved them and will always miss them. But they were saved. Why weren’t we?

We lived in a dozen different homes, apartments, and trailers during our time in Las Vegas. I remember some better than others.


When we first arrived our home faced east. I remember seeing the sunsets from the backyard. That was one of the good parts; the sun always set.

But it would rise again on a new day; a day of more abuse.

My older brother was beat a lot then. My mom and Bob would fight a lot. My big sister would run away with us. We tried to survive.

I was in the fifth grade. I remember the kids teasing me, but I will never understand why. I was not really different from them. Not in any way that they would understand anyways. I never spoke a word that whole year.

I did write a paper for class about my father coming to save us and how I hated this new daddy. My mother found it. That was the first time I think that I got a beating. I was to be silent and suffer, alone.

It was not easy to suffer alone, but I learned how to be silent.

The next year I was in a sixth grade center. I remember flirting a lot with my teacher and him telling me that I would have to be careful with men or I would get myself in trouble. Little did he know.

I began to develop breasts at this time. Part of the fun was having my mother show my stepfather the budding womanhood. She had to have known by now that she was not his only lover.

Convenient for him that we were both under the same roof. By now he was expecting daily gratification from me; his nearly twelve year old stepdaughter. He taught me to make a man feel pleasures and expected it whenever he wanted. By now my mother was partial breadwinner in our home. He had plenty of opportunities to have me during the daytime, and her at night.

I remember my merry miss daddy daughter date. We dressed as Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Who knew? I was really his whore. My leaders must have wondered about that, who dresses their daughter the way he did. But then it wasn’t long until we moved again.


At that time we were living in the trailer park. By now I had been drinking and smoking his pipe for a while. We only had two bedrooms, six children, and two adults. My brother slept in the closet. Most the time my stepdad had me fall asleep in his and my mothers bedroom, while they were watching pornography in the front room. He had positioned the television so that I could see it from the bed. He would come in the room and make sure that I was watching, something I could learn and we could try later. He would wink. I was the love of his life. He just had to be married to my mother to get to me. By now he was telling me someday we could be together all the time.

4 comments:

Amysplash said...

awww this is so sad i am sorry this happend to you safe huggles

amy

SapphireDreams said...

I'm sorry you had to face this as you were growing up. Wishing you a safe journey through your healing.

Brandon said...

As I read this, I shudder to think that in a way you went through this alone. The beatings were there for all to share, but this is unjustified. It never changed who you are inside, and I feel it made you stronger. Sad really, that it takes something like this to teach a person to be stronger. I talk to you now, and part of me wishes I knew 20 years ago what you went through then. Im not sure I could have helped, but I like to think I wold have tried.

Mom, Lover, Friend, Woman said...

I've been reading your journey of healing for a couple of days now and I keep coming back to read again and again. The pain never really gets better, but it does take the backseat eventually. I really do feel for you and I have empathy for the path that you are following. Know that you are not alone. You'll get there, one day at a time. Good luck, and stay strong.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191