the rape - trigger warning

We are playing cards, I am losing, I am drinking a lot. She is drinking too. Man are we bad at poker. I have lost all my clothes. That’s okay, take another drink. Him: "Why don’t we go downstairs?" Oh no. We hear the door open. It is my sister. " Wouldn’t you like to go to the mall, here is some money", he says. My friend and I are in the top bunk of my brothers beds. She is laughing, he is such a great kisser. I know, I say, I have been doing this for years. Wow, finally what I have been doing is cool. This is so great. Then he is back, touching us, kissing us. Fondling me and her and we are touching him. Then he is raping both of us. It is no longer fun, the game, passionate. We can't get away. He is hurting me. He has never done it like this. So violent. So forced. So malicious. Suddenly i feel faint. I am feeling the alcohol, this is making me feel sick. I just want to stop, but he pulls me back. He is ripping at my body. Plunging and ripping, pulling, bruising my body and my soul. I am crying, that just makes him angry. You did this, he tells me. This is what you wanted. You have always been a whore. And now look, your friend. You have made her one too. He wants her and then me and then her and finally me and he finishes. I pass out I guess, he takes her back to school and comes back for me. He does it over and over and tells me I made his fantasy come true. "Isn’t this great. This is the way it can always be. Didn’t I tell you it would be wonderful. I can’t wait until your older and we can move away together. We can do this all the time. You can bring home your friends and we can do this forever." Then I was throwing up. My body wrenching. I feel the bruises forming, and I can't move well. I feel like everything is broken. Pieces of me are scattered all over the basement. The darkness settles in my mind. The darkness that will never go away. The darkness that will suffocate anything good that could happen ever again.

We had to go downtown to get mom from work. I was so sick. I threw up everywhere. My mom was angry, "she must have the flu." I get over it the next morening and am back to school the next day. I am waiting to tell my friend that she can’t tell anyone about this ever. She comes into the seminary building with another friend. Someone for support. Support for her. "I told my parents," she says, "they called the police. He is going to be arrested." Oh no, I think, I am going to be in so much trouble. The police ask me about it. I lie, I tell them nothing happened. She is lying I say. He is a good daddy. He didn’t do anything to us. I was so good at lying. I never went back to that school. I was transferred after a month of isolation. A month of his torture every day. A month of darkness. A month of pieces of me stolen that I can never get back. Black, evil, dark memories that I will never drudge up, divulge. my terror, what i will have to live with, alone. The police and others would come talk to me, but he was always there. It seemed as though I was never alone again. He made sure I said all the right things.

And at home, when no one was around, I had become his. I was now his to have anytime he wanted. He was obsessed. Then I wasn’t having my period. My mom said, check her, to see if she is a virgin. He checked. "Yes she still is," he says. Take a bath honey, you will feel better. Then he came in and did things. Things to clean me out, he said. Things to make it go away. So my mother would not find out. When he was satisfied with my bleeding and he left me there, in the tub. Watching it all go down the drain. Feeling as though I was dying along side this problem. The problem, that is how he spoke of IT. Your problem is gone now. You don't have to worry. You’ll feel better now. It will all be okay. We will be more careful. You wont have another problem.

probems. we spend our whole life working them out. this one will never work out. this problem haunts me. it stays with my entire soul. the sadness of his torture to release this problem from me. the wounds that he left are permanent. to this day i can't say what the problem was. i can't even type it. i feel so controlled by him, the situation is in my night terrors. the pain following, when it was safe, and we didn't have to worry about another problem. the pain of him trying to rape me, and me bleeding all the time. again and again. i never thought that i would be free from this torture. he was a monster, suddenly, so obsessed with having what he wanted.

i became pale, faint, almost like the ghost that he had taken from me, taking over me.