i decided that before i get into any more of the trash
that i seem to be writing so much about
that i needed to seriously listen to the advice that i have been given.
it seems easier for me to write the story, those are just facts.
the hard part is how i feel about the story.
this next part has to be me doing something with the something to work on:
here goes:
Yes, i think that i HAD abandoned myself. in so many ways. i don't think that i could really be honest with anyone, because i felt that to be honest i had to fully disclose myself, and not being able to do that i just abandoned who i am and took on a psuedo, pretending to be happy, faking it through life routine. i was making it, house in order, doing the mom and wife thing, but inside falling apart. and then distancing me from anyone who wanted to really love me because i felt that they don't really know me how can they love me.
i think that as i am trying to heal that i am picking up that little broken child from the depths of hell, brushing off the burns, bandaging the bruises, and really trying to mesh together the person that i have been with the person that i want to be, without abandoning all the things about me that i personally don't like. those things are a part of who i am and have to be a part of who i will be.
ignoring the parts of me means that the sum doesn't add up to much.
this is all i can do right now. i dont think my thoughts are together too much. i feel like i am forcing myself to even think and write something, so in that regard i shut down and don't feel anything. i am really good at faking, and this feels like i am faking my healing now.
i don't know. maybe i just need to leave it alone for a bit.
and try again later. same questions, different day.
that i seem to be writing so much about
that i needed to seriously listen to the advice that i have been given.
it seems easier for me to write the story, those are just facts.
the hard part is how i feel about the story.
this next part has to be me doing something with the something to work on:
Have you abandoned yourself in the same way your mother abandoned you? Find some genuine examples of such self-abandonment.
Are you neglecting yourself the same way both your mother and father neglected you?
Again, find some genuine examples of such self-neglect. By reliving your memories of the abuse over and over in your mind, can you understand that your unhealthy thoughts are in a sense sexually abusing you each and every day, in spite of the fact that you are no longer physically experiencing that abuse?
here goes:
Yes, i think that i HAD abandoned myself. in so many ways. i don't think that i could really be honest with anyone, because i felt that to be honest i had to fully disclose myself, and not being able to do that i just abandoned who i am and took on a psuedo, pretending to be happy, faking it through life routine. i was making it, house in order, doing the mom and wife thing, but inside falling apart. and then distancing me from anyone who wanted to really love me because i felt that they don't really know me how can they love me.
i think that as i am trying to heal that i am picking up that little broken child from the depths of hell, brushing off the burns, bandaging the bruises, and really trying to mesh together the person that i have been with the person that i want to be, without abandoning all the things about me that i personally don't like. those things are a part of who i am and have to be a part of who i will be.
ignoring the parts of me means that the sum doesn't add up to much.
this is all i can do right now. i dont think my thoughts are together too much. i feel like i am forcing myself to even think and write something, so in that regard i shut down and don't feel anything. i am really good at faking, and this feels like i am faking my healing now.
i don't know. maybe i just need to leave it alone for a bit.
and try again later. same questions, different day.
6 comments:
This is completely just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth-
It is my belief that you shouldn't force yourself to think or write about the bad. You will know when you're ready. Please take it slow. It is very dangerous to force yourself to deal with things you are not ready to deal with.
I care about you, and I want you to be ok.
I would agree with LulaBelle, just give yourself the time and space, you'll know when you're ready and when you're not that's a signal to just take care of yourself!
Take care,
G
Wow whoever gave you that advice hit something in me too. Although, I agree with the other commenters we can't force it.
Just keep blogging Mile then go back and re-read. I learn from that myself. I'm here if you need me
Another "agree-er" here. Thanks to
LulaBelle (pretty name!)...
"At the end of the day" honesty is usually a good idea. I "lied when even the truth would have sufficed.." I do not lie any more, and do not know when that finally happened.
Honesty involves RISK. Risk that you might get to 'know' me (and I do not wish that yet.) Risk that you may not "APPROVE" of me. (And I want full approval ALL the time!!) And a big risk, that you will not LIKE (or ever, even) LOVE me. And the 'God' in me will not tolerate THAT...
So I gave it time, until I was ready to take some risks with you-all, until I thought I could handle that. (I KNEW I could not handle DRINKING any more).
I could ONLY figure this all out, with ADULT SUPERVISION (that's what I call a "sponsor"). The adult had to know me well, know EVERYTHING...and then he could help me through the risks, which were only half as difficult, as they might have been.
There might be a message there, maybe not, but know that you are loved and prayed for greatly. This is NOT a good time of year for those early in sobriety, of which you are one. Soooooo....
Stay close, either to US bloggers, or to an AA group, or to a sponsor, or to (last resort? -grin) your Higher Power, whatever you may call that. You could choose to stay close with ALL of the above!!!!!
fiddlemn
thank you. all of you. i need someone right now and you are fulfilling that someone. and i do believe there is a higher power, even guiding me to do this journal, and to write my story. i do well when i write about the past. i don't do well when i write about how i feel today about the past. that seems to have to come natural.
i just really loved and appreciated the advice that was given me and didn't want to be ungrateful this time of year by not doing something with it.
i think i will keep it in the back of my mind, and go back to it. i do need to hear what she said. it was kind and powerful, and touched me so as i read it.
but what i am getting from each of you, checking on me and cheering me on, is enough for now. i have to get this story out, and leave it here. i think going back and reading it helps too. each time that i do i am flooded with thoughts, and maybe that is when i need to write. that might be the way to my healing. your feedback is so essential to me right now.
i appreciate you all. that is what i am thankful for.
right now i think i will post about thanksgiving. and leave the rest alone.
♥
i wrote about self-abandonment not too long ago. it's what i've been doing, over and over again during my life. now that i'm aware of it, it's becoming harder to do. just be realising that that is what i do. i hope the same happens to you too. it's time to let yourself heal.
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