thanksgiving

this time of year brings so much up for me. i know i have written about this before which made me not want to write about it again, for the sake of anyone who would think, she said that already.

then i realized that i have the kindest people reading my healing journal. and if anyone did say that i could do what AlkySeltzer said and just "reject" the comments.

I think that in itself gave me power. and got me thinking.

no one can hurt me that i don't allow to anymore.
it is up to me.

if someone wanted to leave a nasty comment,... who knows, maybe my family would find this and being upset they would want to comment something irrational to me but justified to them,
or Bob, my abuser, my step-dad, who knows, he could even find it.

What would i do with that? hummmm.

but to know that i can say no, i can reject anything that is not positive and helpful to my healing...thank you for that.



and, i write for me to heal, and i thank YOU for reading me. You all are my person. i appreciate you so much



saying no. my baby sister and i were talking today about how hard it is to say no. when you are raised in such a dominant environment, where the lashings come quickly, and the abuse is so abusive. you don't learn that you have a choice; in anything.

even whether or not you want to go somewhere for thanksgiving. people beg, plead, manipulate you into a corner and then you give in. and then you beat your own self up about not saying no, and sticking to it, and even though tomorrow hasn't come and you could just not go,

you know you will go because you have been bullied.

have i told you before how badly i hate bully's.

i told my sister she ought to call and say the answer was no every time that you asked, but you had to molest my answer and push me into saying yes. i am uncomfortable with you thinking that you can bully me into coming to a family dinner.

NO IS NO. and then just don't go.

easy for me to say, hard for me to do.

tomorrow i will be having thanksgiving with my adopted (foster) family.
I usually have an orphan thanksgiving at my own home.
it has been easier for me to do the dinner,
be in charge, and be in charge of who I invite.
rather than being at the mercy of the events of these family holidays.

this year i feel strong enough and i am going to go.

behind this strength i do feel a bit vulnerable.
not that my pain is what will be hard to deal with, but the pain of my family.

this is the time of year when my adopted mom died.
i have written about it as I explained why i write mile 191.

i talked to my foster sister yesterday. she is really depressed and not sure how she is really dealing with the events of thanksgiving, and the holidays in general.
her mom, my mom, was always in St. Benedict's, or jail, or passed out at the holidays.

she, my sister, told me that she is having a harder time than usual this year.


my adopted moms birthday is the 29th, saturday.
it is also the day that she died, although the coroner put her death date on the 28th, so we didn't feel so bad. how that helps i still don't know.

today, the 26th is the day that she left.

it was thanksgiving. she had too many drugs, again. there was a fight.

i was so confused. this family had been taking care of me.

they had been loving me, security, a haven from all that i had been through.

and now, this haven, was crumbling around me

when she left,

she took the family that i knew them to be with her.

she left on thanksgiving. she died on her birthday. we buried her on december 3rd,

it was a brisk, beautiful, cold day.

but the pain is still there, there is no burying the pain and destruction that has been left behind.

and thanksgiving will bring many of those pains to surface again. for my sisters, for my dad, for my brother, for me.

thanksgiving should be about gratitude.
i want to be able to focus on the things that i am thankful for.
i have, in my world of pretending.
of maintaining my good person persona.
i am happy, i express gratitude, i help others.


then i come to my closet,

and i fall apart,
broken,
bleeding all my emotion,
the pain.
the suffocation of darkness,
and no where to hide.

terror awaits, as night comes again.
and tomorrow, i will face new light, the day, what will it bring.
more memories, writing about my dreams, my secrets.

no one can hurt me unless i allow them to.

i have the courage to choose healing.

i will see tomorrow with a fresh perspective, focus on gratitude, and write, as Amy does...

Today, I am thankful for... YOU. ♥