come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

why mile 191?

this is a hard post for me. explaining mile 191.

i feel that i should write a bit about it now. with thanksgiving coming up, it is this time of year that gets me thinking so much about my past. my story. my pain.

i am writing my story in bits. my mile 191.

i haven't gotten to much that will explain where i was and why this particular mile means so much to me. this will tell.

why mile 191?

when my mother abandoned me i was 16 years old. i had told her about the abuse, blown the whistle per say. my little sister was 9 years old. from the time she was about 4 years old i had been teaching her that her body was hers. that she was NEVER to let anyone touch her or look at her under her clothes. i guess you could say that i knew enough, even when i was a 10 year old girl, to know that no one should be doing those things to a little girl. he had started on me at 9, and so, when she turned 9 i guess he started looking in her direction.

it happened once. he touched her. she said no. and she came to me. that was the beginning and the end of my sisters experience with sexual abuse.

my baby sister. who i love as dearly as i love my own children, even today. she went through so much. not the sexual abuse, but other things, things that have poisoned her mind and soul, and destroyed a part of her heart. she is the most amazing being. she is a wonderful mother today. she is able to provide for her family, she paints, decorates, she has a million abilities, and i love to see her and delight in who she has become. these other things she went through cause her to weep, bring me to weep, and ache for some semblance of anything that is normal.

i will never regret the amount of abuse i suffered to know that he left her alone. the one time it happened was more that it should have been.

i had always told him to leave her alone. come to me but leave her alone. why couldn't he have just left her alone.

so i went to my mom. the mom who didn't love me as a child, who neglected me as a young woman. the mother who was absent from me as if she had abandoned me at birth.

i sometimes wish she had.

i went to her. a girl should be able to go to her mom.

i told her about the abuse. about what he did. about him raping me. about him raping my friend. i told her that he had touched my sister.

she looked at me with a cold blank look. told me that whatever happened was my fault. i had somehow brought it on. that i was to go to bed and she would talk to me in the morning.

my step father had left the house. i had told him i was going to tell, and he better not be there when i got home. he never came back.

i had a friend walk me to my house. i know that had she not he would have killed me. he chased my friend all the way home. she got into her door and he slammed his body against the door.

to this day she doesn't know how she locked the door, or how she ran home so fast.

the following morning my mom woke me up. she told me that everyone was angry that i had made daddy leave, that i needed to pack a few things and stay with a friend until they were not so angry.

i left. when i went home the following weekend, the entire house was empty, except for the belongings in my room. it was her way of making me not exist in her life anymore. i was left behind, and there was no looking back.

i became a ward of the state. my friend took me into her home. her parents adopted me because my own father wouldn't take me.

her mom and dad were so kind. yes, again kind. they loved me, they were protective. they listened, and they were so patient with all that i was going through and had been through. they really were so amazing.

i went back to school, my senior year. i quit drinking. i hung out with kids my own age. this life felt really blessed.

i missed my family, my sister, my brothers. i ached every day to know if they were okay. i wouldn't find them for 6 years.

my adopted mom had some addictions. she was addicted to pain killers. i could see in her eyes a reflection of the pain that i felt. i always knew in my heart that she loved me so much because she understood pain. i began to realize that my new family had it's own dynamics. drama and sadness is everywhere.

we are human beings, we experience life, and some of it hurts really bad.

my new sisters were amazing. they loved me and took me as if i had always been there. i had a new brother as well. he was funny and nice to me. i felt like i had a family.

then, as thanksgiving approached, there was a family fight. i will never understand as the events unfolded, what it was all about. but this was to be the turning point in my new chapter.

with the family argument my adopted mom left. she ran away.

i understand running away, i always feel the urgency. i have slept in my car so many times. i have sat out side of the rape crisis center. i understand wanting to run from it all.

this time running would have severe consequences and change the course of all the lives that she touched. her daughters, her husband, her son, me.

my mom, that is what i felt she was; in three months she loved me more than my own mother ever did. i, to this day, know and feel that she loves me. she understands me. and when i am quiet, pondering, reflective, i feel as if she is there, telling me to hang on. help is coming, stay strong. she is our guardian angel. i feel her. if you are hurting she is the kind of angel that i know will come to watch over you too. so be still, ponder, and allow your self to feel that you are not alone. for she is there.

i say this 'she is there' because the turning point, the bend in the road of my journey was the end of hers.

she died, at mile 191.

she parked her car, walked up to a place that she found peace, and there she found her life's end. she was taken to a better place, a place where the pain should end, i am sure she thought.

i believe that when people take their own life they can not undo the damage that it causes those of us left behind. we needed her, we needed her here. the lives of those who loved her, those she loved, would never be the same. i don't believe her pain ended. i think she hurts more, for now she can not be with the ones that she loves, the ones that she surly misses.

she reached her breaking point. the point we are all going to reach in this life. with pain and trials, and pure intense despair. she chose to end her life, at mile 191.

this becomes so significant to me many years later.

as we often drive the canyon, past this mile 191. i think of her. i think of what pain she experienced. she didn't live long enough for me to ask her why she hurt. she died before i had the chance.

i think of her as i drive past mile 191, i have stopped many times, now stopping with my own children. the place where grandma died.

i say to them, no you don't know this grandma, you never met her. she was gone long ago. she was wonderful to me.

the pain i feel that my kids will never know what it is like to have such an amazing grandma, they will never know her, how wonderful she was.

she made that choice.

and here i am, in my life, suffocated my by pain. what will i do?

What choice do i make when i reach mile 191?

what will i do with my journey. every day, as i see the mile markers on the highways, the interstates, i think to myself as the miles pass:

what am i doing, and what will I do with my mile 191?

it is up to me.

the week commemorates for me the 20th year grieving the loss of my new mom.

20 years since she made her mile 191 choice. 20 years of wondering how different the lives of my adopted father, the man who walked me down the isle at my wedding, how different would his life be, with his sweetheart. how would my brothers life be altered. my sisters, would they be happier, of course. we miss her. we can't get her back, or the years, the pain is here to stay.

so i say to you, anyone who will read this:

please I beg you. think about what you will do when you get to mile 191.
what are you doing on the way there? choose to heal. don't run away. be strong enough to live. and don't do it alone.

we need each other, as we all travel the well worn road of survivor.

choose to make your journey, and your mile 191, something that you can personally find strength, hope, peace and life, and maybe a little friendship and love. don't do something that you might regret, don't give up, don't run away.

slow down maybe, as mile 191 approaches. take care of the pains, the anguish, and then drive by, knowing that the road ahead has much more to offer then the miles in the past have. courage, it is up to you.


Gabriella Moonlight said...

Wow our stories are quite similiar, and I would definitely if okay like to add you to my BlogRoll and will definitely be back to read more and hopefully we can share more of our journey!

Thank you,
Gabriella Moonlight

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Thank you for letting me add you to my blog roll and yes I find that the more we know about ourselves and each other then the healing can begin. I appreciate your writing, your honesty and hope to get to know you as we blog through our lives!

Hugs to you,


Dear Mile191,
Hi - I'm Prayer Girl.
Before you left a comment on my blog (thanks for visiting), I had come to your site and read quite a few of your posts.

You had commented on Another Sober Alcoholic's blog, he's my hubby, and he told me about you. WE went to your blog and from that brief exposure, OUR hearts went out to you.

You are a beacon of hope to others - a survivor of life experiences no one should have to go through. You share your experience, strength, and hope to reach out to other suffering people.

God bless you, your journey out of the dark and into the light, and all those you are guiding into the light with you.

Sending prayers to you and yours',
Prayer Girl

AlkySeltzer said...

Mile #191
You need to read where you feel you are not alone. Where you can heal. Please visit my blog again, I'll certainly be reading yours. Thank you for adding me on your sidebar.

Until next time, be at Peace for now.

Confession: I stole that first idea above from your own comment on someone else's blog. Sorry! But it was a beautiful thought...
Steve (steveroni)

Shadow said...

you are amazing. and i'd like to repeat it. to everyone!!!

choose to heal

mile191 said...

thank you everyone, it gives me such hope, especially when you point out that i am saying things that i need to hear. i guess i didn't realize the strength that i have in me. those words mean so much to me, and for you to say that i said them, wow. that struck me.

i am hopeful that we can all heal. it will take so much work, but together i think we are on the right path.

i guess i have hope to get through the holidays. i am 45 days, on my new staying sober, healing path. thanks for being here with me.

Speak YOUR Peace said...

Thank you for speaking your truth for us. I have so much respect for the strength you really do have.

Big hugs.

The Real Gal said...

Safe hugs if okay!

R.Bevan said...

Thank you for letting us into part of your life.I only wish it could have been a better one.
God bless and never give up.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing this Mile 191.
My heart is full.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Crying and adding you to my blogroll.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Butterfly said...

This makes me weep - with sorrow for what you have gone through, and with joy for what you have become.


RNSANE said...

I have been an RN for almost 50 years...for the last 21 years that I practiced, I was a forensic nurse for San Francisco, a sexual assault nurse examiner and a child forensic interview specialist. This area of nursing was new, not even officially recognized yet by the American Nurses Association. It was wonderful and meaningful work and I saw hundred of adults and children who had been victims of horrible crimes, many perpetrated by those they loved the most. The courage of these victims, in coming forward, is what helped me continue to do the work I did. I was one of 74 nurses that met to form the International Association of Forensic Nurses ( though there were far more of us involved in the work of forensics ) and, in 1995, the American Nurses Association officially recognized this as a speciality for nurses. IAFN membership has grown to over 3500 worldwide.

People, such as you, who are willing to speak up about your pain and suffering, help others come forward. Thank you for your bravery.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191