come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

birth to a new journey

During the following year, we had our first baby, a son. He was beautiful, wonderful and I felt so much happiness; and then plummeted into the worst despair I had felt to this point of my life.

How could I protect him?

Would I be a good mother, or would I be like my mother had been?

Could I love him enough, what was enough?

I started some really intense therapy at this time. I had to confront these and many other issues over the next year.

I first had to write my story. That was possibly more difficult than living it the first time around. I had to recall vivid, graphic details of the years of abuse.

I had to write it, read it ,say it out loud.

Then came the time to bring in my husband and read it to him. I think that was the hardest part. Seeing the pain in his eyes as he heard things he had known and some things he didn’t. It was horrible.

Then I brought in my real father.

What can I say about my father?

He was my daddy. He was hurt in this process too. His wife, my mother, had left him, took his children.

He was learning that his children have been abused, mistreated, beaten.

What can I say?

This was a very difficult time, a time to begin my healing. A time to break, and a time to choose which pieces to pick back up as I re-created the me that I am still trying to become.


1427.17 said...

I get to comment first. That feels special and yet I have nothing special to say. I think Steveroni will have good advice and I think you have good advice. Your mind is piecing it all together and giving new life to you. It takes time but you've come SO far. Thanks for continuing to share.

Broken Child said...

I'm afraid of being a mother too. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough. I don't want my kids to grow up with a crazy lady for a mom. And I'm terrified that I won't be able to protect them too.

Shadow said...

motherhood is scary. it brings forth all our own fears and the need to protect our children from them. my son was an overwhelming reason for me to stop drinking. and he inadvertently helped create a better mother... i'm grateful to him for that. and look at you now. look how you've grown and become a stronger better person. it's a blessing in a way, don't you think? lots of love!

steveroni said...

Wonder who is 1427.17??

I cannot get over to 12 Steps until tomorrow, noon. But hey, mile, I gotta tell ya. the other day I walked into an early morning meeting, and this guy handed me a violin, exquisitely made of wrought iron, hand-brazed in SO many places.

I just LOVE this violin. All those 'brazed' joints make me think of you, mile, piecing pats of yourself together, as you and only you can do.

But we ARE doing what little we can...what do I mean? Little? Since when is PRAYER "little"?

So, Babe, stay close to your blog family, please, and call on any one of them for help at any time. Do not fear to reach out, and touch someone. When you do that, IT HELPS THEM! Remember?

Peace, and love from

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191