birth to a new journey

During the following year, we had our first baby, a son. He was beautiful, wonderful and I felt so much happiness; and then plummeted into the worst despair I had felt to this point of my life.

How could I protect him?

Would I be a good mother, or would I be like my mother had been?

Could I love him enough, what was enough?

I started some really intense therapy at this time. I had to confront these and many other issues over the next year.


I first had to write my story. That was possibly more difficult than living it the first time around. I had to recall vivid, graphic details of the years of abuse.

I had to write it, read it ,say it out loud.

Then came the time to bring in my husband and read it to him. I think that was the hardest part. Seeing the pain in his eyes as he heard things he had known and some things he didn’t. It was horrible.

Then I brought in my real father.

What can I say about my father?

He was my daddy. He was hurt in this process too. His wife, my mother, had left him, took his children.

He was learning that his children have been abused, mistreated, beaten.

What can I say?


This was a very difficult time, a time to begin my healing. A time to break, and a time to choose which pieces to pick back up as I re-created the me that I am still trying to become.