come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

me

How do I describe me today?

I am at what feels to be the bottom.

About two years ago, the things that I was really good at, began to suffer.

Being a good mom, being a kind mom. Being a friend.

I began to feel numb, and I stopped doing the things that matter.

I stopped walking with my kids, taking them to the park.

I stopped playing games.

I stopped cooking, baking, caring about eating. The kids have not gone hungry, but they have not had the care taking that they were used to.

I stopped tucking them in, reading with them.

I stopped coloring.

I began to sit, and stare.

I started crying at the drop of a hat.

I yelled, I taught my kids words that I would never want to hear them say.

I gave up on how I look, and on cleaning our home.

I stopped sorting and organizing.

Their homework doesn't get done. They fight more now. They talk back to me, and sometimes what they say is truly a trigger that they are not doing okay either.

They have seen me at my best. They don't know what to do with me now; at my worst.

They want their mom back, so do i.

5 comments:

Patty said...

You have really been putting allot of stuff out here lately. Maybe you need to lighten up on yourself a little today. Let yourself heal a little in between. Sometimes all those bad memories can get me down, and sometimes it is all magnified at the holidays, because we are supposed to do this, and do that. Everyone is so excited about spending time with family and ours are so fucked up. I am here and you are in my prayers. PS I really like the music you have on your blog.

Broken Child said...

I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I'm thinking of you.

-hugs-

PRAYER GIRL said...

Please, please - don't forget the infinite Power of God.

He has the power to turn all things to the good. Trust and have faith, do your part, give God time, and all things will right themselves.

Prayers your way,
Prayer Girl

mile191 said...

thank you. each of you.

Patty, I think that you hit it square...how I feel, and what is inside my struggle. thanks.

broken child, just reading, listening is an act of love. you don't have to say anything...i understand not knowing what to say.

thanks for letting me know you are reading.

prayer child, always, you are so kind to direct me to heal by acknowledging the higher divine power of God and Jesus Christ. I do think that it would help me to pray a bit more for my healing. I feel the prayers from so many of you. and I pray for you all. I need to remember to pray for me. and for my kids....love and hugs.

hugs to you all ♥

Amysplash said...

havent heard from you in awhile wanted to check in you will ome back to your kids intime be strong you are strong you have servived your past your hurts no one will hurt you again you are safe you are free and so am i iam here for you always i care

email me here
temptress.39@hotmail.com

love you amy

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191