i am sad tonight. i dont think that this is a good kind of sad. i broke down talking to my son and that was not good, although it made me cry and now i am going to let myself cry and go to bed.
i don't understand yet why i am hurting so bad, but something broke in me and i am not the same person that i was. i don't clean, i wear the same clothes day after day. i sleep all day and do nothing productive. i have stopped caring and stopped feeling. and tonight i am sad. i cancelled all the dental appointments for next week, i cancelled the surgery. i cant handle having to go anywhere and i cant think of my mom trying to come to the surgery. emotional disaster. i am so sad, and i miss my grandmas so much. it was bad enough to have one pass away recently, but then my grandma, my surrogate mom, my friend and mentor, my safety, passed and i cant seem to function. i sit and eat rocky road ice cream every night. right out of the gallon. i feel her there with me. that was her and my favorite thing to do. i know she is there. then tonight i started to apologize to my son for being such a horder, it bothers him, and he is trying to clean stuff up, and he threw away stuff that was good stuff. things that we can donate, and i broke. i told him that i was that child that desperatly needed one book, one toy for christmas, and here is my kid throwing away stuff, because he has everything, and he has never had to hurt or worry about having what he wants and needs. so he just throws GOOD stuff away, without thinking of donating. and he threw away a journal item, something precious to my younger son. who didn't feel he could tell his brother to stop throwing stuff away because he wanted to be cool. and he threw away something that my grandma gave me. and that made me break. i hurt so much. i began to cry and then i told him i don't know what is wrong with me, i know i am not the mom he remembers from a couple of years ago. that i am a mess, i told him that i miss grandma, that everything hurts, that i am to the point where i don't care about anything. i feel numb and broken. i was crying so hard, and then i told him that i dont give a fuck about anything. instead of getting surgery i want to get the tattoo that i have always wanted. i want to get xxoxoxxx, and a beautiful small rose. because of my grandma, but it is the worst thing I would do. she would take a switch to me if she were here. but she is not, so i will do it, and deal with her later. i guess that i just needed to write all of this down. i need to go to bed and finish crying. i need to let myself feel and deal with this, and then get up tomorrow, clean up my house, put up a tree and decorate. then i need to START shopping for christmas, it will come, come what may and love it.
my grandpa always says that, come what may.
so that is what i will do
this button links you to his talk, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
is an Elder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
the talk is amazing, and if you get a chance, read it.
it does give comfort and peace, and is just what i needed right now.
love and hugs, and appreciation for your support of me.
thanks for reading my ramblings, even the hard stuff.
take care, and i will get back to reading everyone this weekend.
i have not been doing very well emotionally,
and sleeping alot.