come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, December 12, 2008

come what may...

i am sad tonight. i dont think that this is a good kind of sad. i broke down talking to my son and that was not good, although it made me cry and now i am going to let myself cry and go to bed.
i don't understand yet why i am hurting so bad, but something broke in me and i am not the same person that i was. i don't clean, i wear the same clothes day after day. i sleep all day and do nothing productive. i have stopped caring and stopped feeling. and tonight i am sad. i cancelled all the dental appointments for next week, i cancelled the surgery. i cant handle having to go anywhere and i cant think of my mom trying to come to the surgery. emotional disaster. i am so sad, and i miss my grandmas so much. it was bad enough to have one pass away recently, but then my grandma, my surrogate mom, my friend and mentor, my safety, passed and i cant seem to function. i sit and eat rocky road ice cream every night. right out of the gallon. i feel her there with me. that was her and my favorite thing to do. i know she is there. then tonight i started to apologize to my son for being such a horder, it bothers him, and he is trying to clean stuff up, and he threw away stuff that was good stuff. things that we can donate, and i broke. i told him that i was that child that desperatly needed one book, one toy for christmas, and here is my kid throwing away stuff, because he has everything, and he has never had to hurt or worry about having what he wants and needs. so he just throws GOOD stuff away, without thinking of donating. and he threw away a journal item, something precious to my younger son. who didn't feel he could tell his brother to stop throwing stuff away because he wanted to be cool. and he threw away something that my grandma gave me. and that made me break. i hurt so much. i began to cry and then i told him i don't know what is wrong with me, i know i am not the mom he remembers from a couple of years ago. that i am a mess, i told him that i miss grandma, that everything hurts, that i am to the point where i don't care about anything. i feel numb and broken. i was crying so hard, and then i told him that i dont give a fuck about anything. instead of getting surgery i want to get the tattoo that i have always wanted. i want to get xxoxoxxx, and a beautiful small rose. because of my grandma, but it is the worst thing I would do. she would take a switch to me if she were here. but she is not, so i will do it, and deal with her later. i guess that i just needed to write all of this down. i need to go to bed and finish crying. i need to let myself feel and deal with this, and then get up tomorrow, clean up my house, put up a tree and decorate. then i need to START shopping for christmas, it will come, come what may and love it.
my grandpa always says that, come what may.
so that is what i will do

this button links you to his talk, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
is an Elder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
the talk is amazing, and if you get a chance, read it.
it does give comfort and peace, and is just what i needed right now.
love and hugs, and appreciation for your support of me.
thanks for reading my ramblings, even the hard stuff.
take care, and i will get back to reading everyone this weekend.
i have not been doing very well emotionally,
and sleeping alot.
avoiding alot.


steveroni said...

It is early, early morning, Hope, and I hope you are sleeping, it is a healing gift--good sleep, rest. It is when amgels come to restore us with energy, a new willingness to live, love, forgive, and (again) love.

I feel SO much better, and wish and pray that you do also, this beautiful day ",,,which the lord has made."

I could write you a "blong" on this "clomment"...but just know that this comment is my prayer for you, Hope, and my love for you this day.

Pam said...

it takes a lot of physical effort to post and link...and you DID IT.
seek help sweet girl.
use the energy to seek help.
surrender to "help".

1427.17 said...

thanks for your posts steveroni and Pam. You have such wisdom and knowledge and experience. Hope, please listen. These people love you! There is nothing you could say that would change our love for you. Absolutely not one thing. Please sleep and please get help.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I feel sad myself, thinking of what you're going through. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you ARE feeling the feelings. It sounds like there is a lot of grieving to do. Grieving can be exhausting.

Micky said...

I can relate to your process!

I spent all my childhood in orphanages – my mother abandoned me when I was two – in retrospect was a blessing in disguise.

Fours years ago after years of counseling I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life. I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital.

I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell.
I imagined I would be locked away – but the hospital staffs were very supportive - I had no control over my process].

I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I woke up one morning & my process would start up again - fear, pain, & shame. No one could help me, not even my therapist – I was terrified.

I got on my knees one morning & asked JESUS CHRIST to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. I believe JESUS delivered me from my “psychological prison.”

I am a practicing Catholic & the HOLY SPIRIT is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing.

I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically.

PS: I was going to AA 30 years - it nearly sent me insane!

Stay away - its SATANIC!

Most of the people are homosexuals & lesbians.

Peace Be With You

Shadow said...

easy does it. you are allowed to feel what you do. grieving takes time. take it! and you'll get to the other side. whole. love to you!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191