come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

book review: among the hidden, ch 1 and 2

i thought that i would get through this book and review it. I love writing book reviews, commentary, etc. and passing GREAT information on to the public. We all need a boost in the right directions from time to time, and I believe that finding a great read, writing and passing along reviews, and speaking out through them is a perfect way to influence our society.

this book is written for ages 8-12...I have pratically three children in that category, my older two have read the book, my third child wants I though, read it again, make sure it is okay for THIS child, and MAYBE write a commentary or public review for positive influence of a difficult subject matter.

regarding my children...each child is so different, and this specific child is very sensitive, and extremely emotionally touched by trauma. [imagine one of my children being like that].

so i am off and reading, first for him, second for me.

i am into Chapter 2 and I discover a flood of emotion and trauma that is very personal to me.

The book I am talking about is among the hidden by Margaret Peterson Haddix.

notice first of all that among the hidden is written in lower case. i tend to write a LOT in lower case only. i think that using uppercase is necessary only to emphasize importance, and in general i don't use I about myself. i don't find myself all that important.

now, this may not have been something that the author or book designers really put much thought into, but the fact that I, meaning I, did is something to me.

some of what i am really being flooded with has to do with the following passage:


She paced, then jerked back to face Luke, "Sure. YOU CAN BE A COWARD [emphasis chosen by me, not in the book].

...and HOPE someone else changes the world for you. YOU CAN HIDE up in that attic of yours until someone knocks at your door and says, 'oh, yeah, they freed the hidden. Want to come out?'


Luke didn't answer.

"YOU'VE GOT TO COME, Luke, OR YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. When you don't have to hide anymore, even years from now, there'll always be some part of you whispering, 'I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I DIDN'T FIGHT FOR IT. IM NOT WORTH IT.' And you are, Luke, you are.

You are smart and funny and nice, and YOU SHOULD BE LIVING LIFE,



now, what i am thinking is that if i read over and over the parts that i put emphasis on i hear what i am saying to myself, or discovering through just reading this much.

I am keeping myself captive in this CLOSET, buried alive, with so much life that I could be living.

Waiting for some magic to absolve me from the pain of my past.

Something magic eraser to take away the memories and experiences that have made me who I am, the things that having been through have created this being, this person.

WHO I AM. And I like who I am. I just don't like some of the choices that I make, nor do I like how LAZY I am becoming because I am so obsessed with the painful parts of my past.

I want to overcome, I want to heal. I want to break free, and I don't want to wait for someone to come break me free. I want to do that for myself, because I am worth it.

okay, so that said...

i am only two chapters into the book. a couple of the things that i have reflected upon are the feelings of being my own shadow. of being in hiding, in real society, the society that doesn't want to believe that bad things happen to really little people.

the society that we live in that glosses over the pain that is real, and that doesn't do anything to really protect small innocent beings, beings that grow up and become, like me, struggling to face each day, with the memories, the triggers, the syndromes that come of traumatic events in early childhood and youth. And that continue with the messed up fabric of our broken homes and disfunctional families, [and i am talking about GROWN UPS here, who in our lives are so messed up that our being messed up can't even be dealt with.]

phew, i said it.

[these feelings are sparked a bit by the fact that I am having a surgery next week, and my mom wants to come to the hospital. I am ready to cancel the surgery because I can not handle the dramatic events that unfold. I just want no one to know about it, to go do it in private, and come home to heal for a few hours and go on with life....i can't stand the attention that it will cause so I will probably cancel it and reschedule it when i wont have to tell anyone about it, until afterward.]

i find it really intersting as i read the book that the main character: LUKE, who is also the main victim [i say main because the rest of the characters are also victims of this society, the society that doesn't allow Luke to exhist because he is a third child, and there are laws against his existence.]

...Luke is the only one who really seems to handle his trial well. He seems to be the only one who is turning out decent, every one else around him is a basket case about life.

he happens to hear his mother say once: things could always be worse.

And Luke is prepared for that to happen.

this is somewhat how i see the things in my life that have happened to me, or are happening.

for my family in particular it isn't enough that the abuse and neglect and abandonment happened to me, i get to help EVERYONE else get over it, and help THEM to feel better about it.

IT HAPPENED TO ME, and yes, they each have their own suffering and pain from that period of time, but what I don't get is that I continuously get to help them all to feel better about it happening.

...and, if I have surgery, it won't be about me having surgery, it will be about them knowing me and I am having surgery. i don't think i can handle this right now. so i may not.

in the meantime. i will post a couple more chapters of my own story, and i will keep reading this book.

i look forward to reading more of the book as i am sure i will discover more about my own personal feelings that will give me strength to break free of my closet, the darkness and entrampment of being stuck here.

i think with that desire to break free, and to break loose the bands of my memories and triggers that keep me from healing...that desire might be the strength i need to keep healing.

...but for now. I must remind myself that I am the mother. I have to get a grip on the holidays, and my house work, and in taking care of my family, as well as myself. thanks for reading♥


1427.17 said...

sounds like a good read. thanks for sharing your honest thoughts and for realizing yourself so much. I think you realized something?? right! I don't have any answers for you. I pray for your continued healing. I pray for you and I send you hugs and kisses

LulaBelle said...

I came by to check on you.....please take time for yourself. And I know it's hard, but let some things be about YOU. If you don't take care of yourself, or believe that you deserve to be taken care of, no one else will either.

hugs to you

steveroni said...

Ha! "Things could be worse"??? How about, "Things Could Be Better"? And, they really CAN!

Mile, thank you for more selfless sharing of your selfless self. And do know, that somewhere, somehow, you ARE helping others (me, for one!). They may not be commenting, but there are those "out there" always.
Thank you--again

Marj aka Thriver said...

Hey, I've got some book reviews I need to do. Maybe you could do them for me sometime. Aaaccckkk! I'm behind on everything and even I am sick of hearing me say that. ;P

I AM--I SWEAR--going to play the award meme before too long. And I got a link to you up on my sidebar. Sooooo....I AM making progress.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean about the surgery. I was more worried about making her OK about it, then she forgot and I felt like I had to make her OK with that too(not showing up....again) I hope it is not a major thing that you will be putting off.

Sometimes when we see ourselves in a book or a story, we start cheering for them in a way that we would never do for ourselves, it sounds like maybe that is what you are doing for Luke. I hope you can find the courage to heal, and and take care of YOU, and your kids. God will take of Mom, even if you do not ask him to. Taking care of everyone else is a heavy burden and a very convienient distraction for people like you and me, that have been through what we have been through. I finally broke free and quit trying to make them OK. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, some days it still is, but the time was right and God was right there with me. You will know when it is time, the relief felt is exhilarating, but it is just the beginning of more work that needs to be done. Hugs to you today! Thanks for your great comments too.

PS-I always use capital I,I had a mean english teacher. LOL

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191