come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, December 15, 2008


i know that if i try to sleep the dreams will come. i have a hard time sleeping and it makes the days hard. being tired, and a grouch. i feel like the grinch. i am going to try to write my feelings and then move on to gratitude.

i am thankful that i have a home to sleep,
to stay warm, food and clothes.


...basic, but i have gone without these things, and i truly am thankful.

tonight i have a lot on my mind. my mom is still homeless, and now she is going through typically unimaginable things. except i can imagine them, i have been there.

she said, this is killing me. i said to her, I WAS 9 years old. I will too.

then i wonder if is should take her in. give her an apartment we have, and bless her with the very things i am thankful for. then I remember, the abandonment, ...but have i forgiven.

i need some sleep. and to think and pray about these ramblings. there is so much to it. i will try to sleep and figure it out, in prayer,

i wonder if the effects of being abandoned ever go away? and will i ever feel safe...

[sorry, no sunday apartment/condo building burned, and many people (80+) are displaced...i was helping with the Red Cross. I just didn't get to it.

By the way. The RED CROSS is in desperate need of donations, for homeless, for children, for disaster recovery. After watching them in action, they are amazing, they are angels.

If you have the means, find a Red Cross in your area and donate anything you can. Your time...see if you can be trained to assist, or just show up.

Volunteer: while I was there an angel helped me, and I was given the strength to continue to help those who were burdened by the disaster. Truly sad. Many of them lost everything, others have major damage. ..and all of them are homeless...won't be able to consider returning for a year. Awful

so I am thankful to be home, and I am going to try to sleep...


LulaBelle said...

Regarding helping your mother-I was abandoned by my mother as well, put into foster care when I was 12 after numerous suicide attempts.

When she was dying of cancer, I was her home health nurse. It stressed me out, it wore me out, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Several people asked my "Why? Why are you doing this for her when she abandoned you when you needed her the most?"

My reply-because it's the right thing to do.

This may or may not be relevant to your situation-you have to think of the safety and well being of your family first. But I realized I would rather help her when she needed it then live with the guilt if I let her die alone. Does that make sense?

I hope you find the answers, and peace, that you need.

Amysplash said...

hi there beautiful mile i am so proud of you keep up the good work and healing will come iam here for you always love and always afe hugs amy

Strong and determined said...


I read your post and wanted to share something. It is so vital for you to know that you don't need to be at the point of forgiveness yet. In the church you and I attend, forgiveness is stressed over and over again, and while it is important and possible, there is no rush to get there. It's okay to put forgiveness on the back burner while you are healing and know that you will get there when the time is right for you.

You are wonderful and amazing. Sending prayers and hugs your way!

Psych Client said...

Mile I have been where you are with my mother. she will be homeless someday she is just that bad with money and other things.

I think we do what we feel comfortable doing. I agree with the above poster about guilt. I wouldn't want to take my mom in, it will be more trouble than ever. but I wonder about how I'll feel later on and do I need more guilt? I'm not so sure.

do what you think is right and what you are comfortable doing. either way, I support you

Cat said...

I totally relate to being abandoned I was not 9 but a teen when my mother finally said get out - and I did - while still in highschool.

Just this past weekend I foudn a teen in my alley, brough her inside gave her a coat and shoes and contacted shelters for her after feeding her I drove her to one.

Now as a mother, every time my oldest son says he is leaving my heart skips a beat and I can only hope that kharma will take care of him if he should find himself in a bad situation.

As for forgiveness, listen to your heart sometimes we just need to be ready before it can happen.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191