come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, December 29, 2008

it's up to me

We often count the days or hours in our lives.

We credit those who pass on by their accomplishments and talents. But do we stop to think of the courage it takes to walk the miles in the shoes of that person.

What their experiences have been, good and bad, and where their journey took them?

Each persons inner growth can not be measured by what is accomplished on the outside.

We walk miles and miles with our memories, the good are fun to live with, but what of the terrible events we carry to our journeys end.

They make us who we are in the end. They are often the clay we mold our life decisions by. And they take us down roads we would otherwise leave uncharted.

So where does that leave you and me?

I am left with a barrel of memories, good and bad.

I am left sifting through the remains of my childhood, deciding which memories to keep and which to leave at the site of destruction.

I am learning to choose what to keep and what to let go of.

This is what I have come to find.

As I pass my own mile 191, I slow down but I will not stop.

This is where I feel I am coming to the top of the hill, where if I endure I will see more clearly the road ahead.

I am going to make it. And I can tell you why.

Despair and depression have encompassed me. I will always have my days where darkness overcomes the light.

But I have learned that the sunset is a beautiful thing to see, but by experience the sunrise the following day is by far greater that any sunset.

A new dawn, a new day and it is up to me where I go.


Shadow said...

hugs! you are amazing. this is beautiful!!!!

LADYBUG said...

this is tremendous! I commend you for what you have accomplished. I rather to applaud you for this than to feed you emotionally when you are feeling low, I will pick you up even if it hurts. This is the most beautiful piece I read from you. you are heading for a great 2009. continue being strong.

Erin Merryn said...

Not sure where you are from but go to your local library at get a copy of my book "Stolen Innocence" by Erin merryn. I just stumbled upon your blog and really think it might strike some inspiration in you.

steveroni said...

Mile, I just stepped out of your closet for a minute to go to Erin Merryn's blog-site. If you have not read her short story, go do it.

I can never fathom the horrors you girls have been through, but I'm still so certain that God has a plan there somewhere, for you, and you.

It's like that joke, where the little boy is frantically digging into the pile of horse manure, saying loudly, "There's GOT to be a pony in there somewhere".

Bless you all,

Cat said...

its a new dawn, its a new day its a new life....
for me.... and I'm feeling goood!

I loved this post - reflective and thoughtful and hopeful - I needed that - thank you!

have a very happy new year!

LarryG said...

Happy New Year!
Enjoy 09...
let the healing flow.

Rebecca said...


I wish I could email you. I've closed down my blog for now, but I'm still here checking in on you. If you have your email listed on your blogs somewhere, can you point me in the right direction? Hugs to you my friend!

*Strong and Determined*

steveroni said...

MILE, I read this again. I agree with LadyBug: "TREMENDOUS!" This IS IMO your best posting since coming to this AA blog community.

Don't go away now. You need to be heard, and we need to hear.

Anonymous said...

Thank God for those sunsets! Never give up!

jumpinginpuddles said...

very true all of it

mile191 said...

email me at thanks for asking...hope you are well. ♥

Prayer Girl said...

God bless you "Hope"!

Your post has "hope" in it.

Take that hope and put it in your soul's bank account to draw on when you may not be feeling quite as good.

Prayers being sent your way,
Prayer Girl

Prayer Girl said...

God bless Mile 191.

Love and blessings for a Happy New Year.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191