come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, December 5, 2008

the gray area

today i am lost in my thoughts...i keep thinking about a couple of comments, GOOD that i am thinking, so don't get me wrong. more than one that i need to stop blaming myself, and realize that i didn't do ANY of this. and that is good for me to hear. and the other one was It sounds like you really love your children; they need you. ...that comment is really getting me today.

it is so good that you give me input to think about...

today, i am in the gray area...let me explain. i went to the doctor. this was a really big step for me. my mother did something called Munchausen by proxy when i was a kid. she really enjoyed the attention she got i think from me being sick. i don't think i was ever really sick, and as an adult i have thoroughly studied my health records, and there was no reason for me to be on the medication that i was on, the medications that made me sick, the medication that i nearly died from taking, and the same medication i wanted to use to kill myself at age 9. as an adult i have learned that i didn't really have the problems that i thought i did as a child. i was left in the hospital ALOT, and that abandomnent is part of my issues. this Muhchausen has been said to be one of the worst forms of child abuse, and i am dealing with that as well.
however, that is not what this is about...so

going to the doctor is really hard for me. i never think that anything is wrong with me, i always think i am fine, things will go away... except that i grow tumors, and those don't go away. so, I haven't been feeling well, physically, or mentally.. obviously. I made an appointment, POINT FOR ME, I actually decided to do something to take care of myself.

I go, and the doctor thoroughly checks things out. One tumor has to go, he says, so i have to see a surgeon. My fears of hospitals is creeping up on me. i hate them, having been left there so often as a child, and the dream, the night terror that constantly haunts me...anyhow.

this doctor also reads into that all is not well with me emotionally, mentally, psych...etc. he starts asking me questions, and me, trying to be brave, brush them off. I AM FINE, as i always say.

then the tears come. he says, listen, you need to get help, it is okay to ask for help, or to accept help. i say, no, i can't because the help i get doesn't help. we talk, and he says his wife is a psychologist, and that there is good help out there.

will I PLEASE let him offer me help.


last night, with my husband, I am filling out forms. it asks all these questions, and he is helping me to understand my answers, in relation to how he sees me.

i am pretty smart, and i noticed that there is a gray area on the form, on ALL the answers.

pretty soon my husband says, they are going to admit you with all the answers in the gray area.

so I think, i guess i will have to lie about some of these answers. but what is so SURPRISING to me is the way that i have been for 20 years. 20 YEARS. when I said to my husband, how long have I been like this, or that, he said since i have known you. i guess I should take comfort in that because he loves me, he married me this way, he has stayed with me and been really good to me.....but seriously.

i do have a couple of people who have really been there for me. BUT IN GENERAL I feel alone.

i hate that i am this way, i am irritable and frustrated with how I feel.

and most of all, I need to be more patient my kids...doesn't every mom.

some of the questions asked how I feel about my family, and i feel numb..

yes my family needs me. I love them...i always love them. this is only in the past year that i have become kind of shut off. i remember having fun. my kids are great kids, i still delight in the things they say and do. they make me smile. but so much i notice that i am being less enthusiastic, i am being impatient with them. i never used to be this way.

my husband said that he noticed this particular change only in the past two years. he reassured me that i have been a great mom, loved, cuddled, protected, laughed, played and raised GREAT kids. but something has broken. something happened and i have become numb.

i have shut myself off from feeling.

 i compare myself to everyones perfection, even though i know that isn't realistic. and i fake really well that I AM DOING JUST FINE.



i don't know what to do. again. the comment: it sounds like you really love your children, and they need you. i hear that, and i know that inside, deep inside i do, i cant give up on this.

I have stopped feeling, and that bothers me to learn about myself. it hurts.

i am in the gray area, and i don't know how to change that.

12 comments:

1427.17 said...

I stand from afar but I can see where you are. my first thought is you are not your mom. We are all different people with different choices and different steps to take, no matter the relation or the areas alike we are not anyone else. Saying you are your mother only places more guilt and blame on your soul and truly you are weighed down enough. Did you listen?? Did you believe?? It may take some time but you will. I am glad that you went to the doc and that you are seeking help. SO STRONG!! I hate those words because I was really strong when I held it together for my family for so long. I guess I was just strong for myself when I let it go and sought help. It choosing that I was worth it to help. It still makes me quiver a little to think about me being worth it but that's just those dark corners trying to encompass and take over me. I pray for you and love you! Keep thinking but keeping seeking help. Together they will heal you. You can't do it without them and they can't do it unless you are present and active.
I love you!

PRAYER GIRL said...

1. Thank God you went to the doctor and thank God you were honest with him.
2. I don't know what step you are on (if you are doing the steps yet), but step 3 says we turned our will and our life over to the care of God. If you can just turn this gray area over to God, He has the power to help you.
3. Be as honest as you can be on that form they gave you to fill out and see where God leads you.
4. The place you are in will pass if you continue to take even the smallest actions.
5. No, you aren't your mother - never were, never will be.
6. Trust God. There is a lot of work that needs to happen to heal you and it will take time, but healing is what you are looking for. Let it happen.
7. Your husband and children do love you and they will continue to love you as you heal.
8. Sometimes things actually look and feel worse as we uncover the past in order to get to the place where we feel better.
9. Remember - don't drink.
10. Don't give up before the miracle happens.
11. I love you.
12. I pray for you.
Prayer Girl

steveroni said...

Several hours ago I read this blog...and just could not force myself to respond. It was as if *I* was numb, as if *I* had no feelings anymore. It was as if I was YOU! I cannot explain this. Usually I am all over the place with comments as long as 'Blongs'(long Blogs).

But you have stopped me cold, with your WOW! complete honesty, 'letting-it-all-hang-out', child-like, telling of a story--and that story is YOU! It's like a child telling their description of a recently-seen movie.

I (now I'm back in my usual 'senseless state! -grin-), I PRAY you have a trustworthy doctor. Trust is EVERYTHING.

Couple years ago (2) when I first "put myself into the hands of" (notice the quotes, because I really DID this) ...a doctor, he asked me, "Are you scared?" And I answered, "No. I have to trust SOMEONE. I put myself completely in your safe hands, and know you will do the best you can.

And when friends ask, "Can we pray for you?" I'd answer, "No. But Please, PLEASE pray for my doctor".
...and it WORKED!!!

Ever since that, whenever I'm having something done like a minor operation, e.g., I tell people the same thing. "Pray for my doctor. God will take care of the rest of it." AND I MEAN IT! And it produces in me a serenity, a stillness, a peace, that whatever happens next, is God's will. And I'll "live with it."

Now, I'm not telling you (or anyone) how to treat themselves, doctor or not, but I AM saying here to put your trust in the FAITH, the BELIEF, that God has kept you this long, and He DOES have some work for you to do, and He WILL make you better, and give you the strength and Power to DO that which He wishes.

May He right NOW, Hope, BLESS you!
And so do I! (We CAN do that for one another if it's not done frivolously.) I bless you.

God LOVES you, and so do I...
steveroni

Hope said...

I am glad you are reaching out by posting this.
I remember being numb, feeling broken. Some days I still feel very broken. Some days I want to numb out but it's not a good path for me anymore. It only leads to more darkness. It is scary to feel the feelings some days but I've learned that my feelings won't kill me. So I take baby steps.
I remember not being able to be there for my kids in the way they needed me to. I wish I had gone and asked for help.
Mothers who have truly abandone their motherhood don't give it a second thought. Your concern that you have tells me you haven't.
Gentle hugs from me to you tonight.

Winivere said...

The first step is honesty. You are not being honest with yourself. You say you actually decided to do something to take care of yourself but then you contradict yourself by saying that you have to lie on the form. Do you want the next 20 years to be the same? Do you want to be your mother? Do you want your kids to grow up without their mother? Only you can answer these questions...
XX

Pam said...

Maybe...just maybe, the gray area means "let's help this sweet soul".
Maybe it is OK to be in the gray.
Maybe your spirit has been waiting for someone to provide the gray for you to write in.
Maybe if you turn in the gray areas to someone who understands gray, they will help you to become the person that matches the beautiful spirit.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I live in the gray area and really have no idea how to comment effectively or soulfully to this blog but to say I honestly send my love and care to you...my prayers are with you and I am so glad that you were honest with your doctor and with who you are...thank you!

Love,
g~*

jumpinginpuddles said...

getting help doesnt make you a mental case, im wondering who planted al this in your head in the first place.
An abusers alway plants in their victims brain a line which says "you are beyond help" so you never seek it, that is so they can be sure they remian withg their swick twisted secrest in tact, well done for moving beyond those lies to seeking some help.

quietrage said...

Hon, please be totally honest with the "gray areas" that is the way to get help. They won't automatically hospitalize you. And even if they did, it might help. I have been put in a few times, once for a year when I was a teenager, that was the best year of my childhood, I got some help (even though I never told about my abuse), I was away from my "dad" and I met some nice people. YOU are not your mother, you will never be. You love your children, I can feel it in the way you write, you just need to get help to break out of whatever has you "blocked" from giving them the attention and love you want and they need. Your husband even told you that you are a good mother, so you know it's true. Just be honest, pray for yourself, your family and your doctors. You are strong and I have faith that you will be fine! *safe, strong hugs*

Tamara (TC) said...

Healing begins with noticing what isn't working in your life. You can then admit you want to change this and seek help making the changes. It sounds like you are ready to make some real changes in your life. I have not read enough of your back posts to truly have a feel for this but sometimes we can become triggered when our children reach ages that we were when certain abuse happened. I wonder if this could explain why you have changed the way you are around your children and why you feel things have not been so good in your life?

Either way, be as honest as you can when answering the questions and let yourself get the help that will allow you to heal and be a fully participating in your life and family again. It is a difficult road sometimes but so worth it.

All the best to you,
Tamara

Cat said...

I am learning I can only do something one day at a time - sometimes one moment at a time - dont get overwhelmed with the details - just one day at a time.

Strong and determined said...

(((Hugs)))

Please be completely honest about the gray areas - this is the only way to come clean and have your healing begin in the right place. I have had to go back a few times, to work through things I think I skipped over the first time or two. I think the numbing is completely normal after what you have been through. I don't numb with alcohol anymore, but I do it with food. And I too, disconnect from my kids. As I've been in therapy it's become easier to sort out when my feelings toward them are coming from present issues, or things from my past lurking in the shadows of my mind.

You are taking a huge, important step. It is the right one! Just know that if the first therapist you try doesn't work out, it's okay to try another one. I've been to a few, and I think others reading will agree that there needs to be a real trust between you and your counselor.

Don't give up - you are amazing!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191