come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

on being my own worst enemy...

So I have been thinking a lot about myself, the selfish part of who I am.

I know it is a natural thing to think about so here goes:

I am my own worst enemy.

If I could just relax a bit, and be kind to myself, my husband, my kids. Just calm, that is what I am wishing for.

I watch my kids work hard doing their chores, my son baking a cake today, sitting with them at lunch;

they are great people, my people.

A conversation with my sister, where I openly stated that I am angry, hateful, onry and just in a terrible mood. My mood that makes being with myself miserable. A disturbing depression that is destructive to my being even humane. And the anxiety that causes me to not interact with others. I feel helpless in my own mind and my soul feels cancerous.

And then calling my husband today and stating that I just want to give up. I can't stand how I feel.

A couple of weeks ago I had a good friend spend literally hours with me chatting about my circumstances now and then. He read this entire blog and this was his response to me:

Much like we talked about in the early hours of the am; You're are holding yourself prisoner with the need to know, forever trying to understand that which is not understandable.

"It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why." - Mile

Let go of the need to know, and free yourself. Don't live your life holding onto "What if", "How come", "Why". You said it most clearly and you don't even realize it "I am breaking the circle" - Mile, you have all the answers and the means to close that chapter in your life. Stop living life in "The Grey Area", close that chapter, focus on your life (What now!) strengthen that loving relationship with your husband, and enjoy the one with your kids before it is to late.

Living your life in the gray area is impossible to do you can't be in two chapters of your live at same time, the present chapter will always suffer for it and you will continue to find true happiness always just beyond reach, right at your finger tips. Repeating the cycle of the need to know always holding on to the need to know.

So, Here I am. Left with a LOT to ponder. I am thankful for friendships, my kids, my husband, my cousin, my sister, many people, and all of you who read and help me to see things that are blurry to me.

I feel a clarity and peace from your comments and support.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps [something i will blog about, the bootstraps] and move forward with faith to accomplish the things that I desire to do and to heal.

I know this rut that I am in is working on me to maybe be a little calmer, a little more peaceful, healed, and possibly I will better understand why feeling this way does me good. I just have to keep moving forward, and not give in to the addictions that plague me. I have to heal, I want to heal. I want to give up being my OWN WORST ENEMY. I need to heal. I want to heal.  I am.


steveroni said...

Tried picking myself up by my bootstraps once--and I fell flat on my ass...orface--well, same thing, I guess!
Steve E.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I can relate so much to the "I'm my own worst enemy." But, for it to be possible to become your mother, you'd have to be very UNAWARE. I don't see that--you are aware. That's way more than half the battle I think.

Do something nice for yourself--some self-care...and take gentle care.

steveroni said...

Double-Dip-a-roni sez:

Ya know, long time ago I got so tired of people asking me "Why?" Why this? Why that? Why do you? Why did you? Why did you NOT? I mean "READY TO BLOW UP tired!"

And so I made a "life-rule" Don't ask me WHY? NMW! (No Matter What!) Lo and behold, people seem to respect that--maybe they're afraid? -grin!

However--punchline coming--I never stopped asking MYSELF "Why?" I MUST work on that. WHY stunts my growth (I'm 75!). WHY builds a wall between me and God. WHY drives me NUTS! Why, Why, Why???

Why am I writing this? Because jus MAYBE it will help someone else who has the same F'ing problem--to look at their own stupid, single, three-letter word...W.H.Y.

Steve E.

1427.17 said...

love you...

Prayer Girl said...

In Alcoholics Anonymous, the progress is often very slow and can be disheartening at times.


So, I say to you - "TRUST THE PROCESS". It will get better.

Anonymous said...

Usually, when I feel like giving up, it is right before the lesson presents itself to me, then I feel relief and closer to God.

You are growing and healing weather you realize it or not. Hang in there, it gets easier, then it gets tougher, then it sucks, then it's wonderful, then it sucks again...but eventually the rollercoaster ride levels out and you find that peace that has been waiting there for you, and you want to do whatever you can to hang onto it. And it is ALL worth it, because you are!
Love, Patty

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191