I know it is a natural thing to think about so here goes:
I am my own worst enemy.
If I could just relax a bit, and be kind to myself, my husband, my kids. Just calm, that is what I am wishing for.
I watch my kids work hard doing their chores, my son baking a cake today, sitting with them at lunch;
they are great people, my people.
A conversation with my sister, where I openly stated that I am angry, hateful, onry and just in a terrible mood. My mood that makes being with myself miserable. A disturbing depression that is destructive to my being even humane. And the anxiety that causes me to not interact with others. I feel helpless in my own mind and my soul feels cancerous.
And then calling my husband today and stating that I just want to give up. I can't stand how I feel.
A couple of weeks ago I had a good friend spend literally hours with me chatting about my circumstances now and then. He read this entire blog and this was his response to me:
Much like we talked about in the early hours of the am; You're are holding yourself prisoner with the need to know, forever trying to understand that which is not understandable.
"It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why." - Mile
Let go of the need to know, and free yourself. Don't live your life holding onto "What if", "How come", "Why". You said it most clearly and you don't even realize it "I am breaking the circle" - Mile, you have all the answers and the means to close that chapter in your life. Stop living life in "The Grey Area", close that chapter, focus on your life (What now!) strengthen that loving relationship with your husband, and enjoy the one with your kids before it is to late.
Living your life in the gray area is impossible to do you can't be in two chapters of your live at same time, the present chapter will always suffer for it and you will continue to find true happiness always just beyond reach, right at your finger tips. Repeating the cycle of the need to know always holding on to the need to know.
So, Here I am. Left with a LOT to ponder. I am thankful for friendships, my kids, my husband, my cousin, my sister, many people, and all of you who read and help me to see things that are blurry to me.
I feel a clarity and peace from your comments and support.
I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps [something i will blog about later...ie, the bootstraps] and move forward with faith to accomplish the things that I desire to do and to heal.
I know this rut that I am in is working on me to maybe be a little calmer, a little more peaceful, healed, and possibly I will better understand why feeling this way does me good. I just have to keep moving forward, and not give in to the addictions that plague me. I have to heal, I want to heal. I want to give up being my OWN WORST ENEMY. I need to heal. I want to heal. I am.