Shadow, THANKS:

click on the picture to take you to shadows post about being trapped

I really needed to read her words today. I haven't been blogging much in my closet. Actually I have been blogging alot, but too insecure to publicly post them. I have been a big chicken baby. It seems that I have posted them, and then removed them, and then posted something else, and then removed it again.

Then I just removed everything. I don't know what I am afraid of. You all have been so nice to me. I think I just feel so embarrassed about myself and where I have been, that I cant stand to read my own words.

Shadow wrote:

"we allow our thoughts to bind us with chains
we listen to can’t and now what we may
we find ourselves travelling down roads pre-determined
throw caution to wind, end up being chastened
and one day we wonder why anxieties rule
our soul is caught, our dreams out of fuel
spent on the wishes prescribed by another
living the lives of our parents, our mother
instead of believing we can what we want
and making it happen with passion our front
the shield and goal to freedom alive
living the things from which pleasure derive"

I feel trapped, yes; I feel chained to my pain. And I am faking life again. Pretending to be okay, hiding out when I am not. I hide a lot lately.

I avoid a lot lately.

So I want to thank shadow, for writing what is in her heart and having the courage to share it, inspiring many of us to do the same, not as well as she does, but to share what is within us. I have been writing the love story of Mr. B and me on my other blog. It is amazing to think that through all of this he is so good to me. I think that my reflections on our life together is helping to pull me out of my depression.

So today. I am going in and going to repost everything. Now, this doesn't mean that everything I post is how I feel today, it is how I felt the day I posted it.

Today, I feel okay. I feel scared to face what I need to accomplish. Everything seems bigger than me. But I am going out to brunch with a friend, I am going to my daughters Science Fair presentation, I am going to make dinner for my kids and husband [all these are REALLY BIG things for me to be attempting.] I am going to the grocery store - something that causes me HORRIBLE anxiety, and I am going to watch the Charlie Brown Valentine Special with my kids tonight, and hopefully get some snuggling out of them. So, mission number one is to face my fears, here, this is me. I am doing my best, today. And that in itself is enough. I will check back in with you as to how this goes. Being accountable is empowering to me. THanKS for reading. Happy Valentines Day
to you my friends.
Here is a valentine for you all.
Copy and paste, from me, Mile 191.