breaking the silence

i am trying so hard to speak out. i hope that if you are reading this, i am not making your pain worse. i saw that some of you who are writing to heal post a trigger warning, and yes, i understand why. i went to bed last night; after drawing my profile, after i read some, and i broke again. i felt my pain, i felt pain for you. i don't want to be silent. i have to say something. i have to write, my secrets, i want to shout them, to finally admit to myself that i have a reason to feel the way that i do inside. i have to break the silence. because this is no way to live.

everyone who meets me thinks i can do anything. i feel like i should be institutionalized, and yet, i function. i raise a family, i am a wife. i serve in my community, i volunteer at my kids school. i am going to school for my own education. i draw, i write, i read. i clean house, and yet i can never get out from under the clutter. i save everything because once someone took something from me and i could never get it back. i forget everything, i block my life out as i am living it. so if i hang on to everything, no one can take it from me, maybe i will not forget. it is an awful way to live. full of anxiety, depression, stress, and tears. i sleep in my fears, i wrestle with my own inadequecies. i hate living.

i am tired of being told i am doing great, you're fine. if that is so true then why don't i believe it. i don't feel fine, i feel broken.

All at once, the world can overwhelm me,

there's almost nothin' you could tell me,

that would ease my mind. ---jack johnson

which way do i run...