What is a survivor anyway?

I had to go back to a blog I read earlier today.
Someone out there who writes how I feel.

If this is YOU reading ME, I am going to send this comment to you;
because I am wondering.

My brain won't stop tonight.

...in the tub tonight I was thinking, what is up with the word survivor?
everyone smiles at me and says, "you survived."
You are doing so great! SMILE, CHEESE, SMILE, BS BS


How come no one sees me looking back with a blank, sad stare.

Like when I was a kid and they saw my life through rose colored glasses.

So messed up.

Survivors are victims; trying to make it. Yes, I survived, but to do what, live with the victimization that I put on myself every day. my mind wont stop, my body memories aren't going away. i cry, i fall apart, i cant seem to handle simple daily tasks sometimes. the anxiety and depression just takes over.

One thing I am good at is faking that I am okay.

I seem to be pulling a lot off.

so here i am blogging to heal.

i will do something with this, but when people say Survivor to me, i don't get it.


It is like that word makes other people feel comfortable around me.

and i think that the Survivor (CBS) show has made it cool to be called a Survivor; society thinks that all it is about is going without food and water and looking destroyed on television for a season.

That is so unreal; unrealistic. [yes, i watch the show, every season]


summary:
To me a survivor is a victim disguised; trying to make it, trying to matter, trying to heal.

Are you okay today? I am worried about you. Please write if you can.