come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sunday Funnies: honesty, Honestly

words. again. I am stuck rambling on words again.

anyhow. i am definitely in a rambling mood. good thing this is not my only place to vent. and since my venting is on so many layers today i have something to say EVERYWHERE. wow, i need meds. so, here i am, it is the sabbath day, and i have enjoyed a beautiful meeting, a beautiful and refreshing and renewing sacrament, and now i find myself waking from a 5 hour nap with my brain firing. for anyone who doesn't know what that means: BE THANKFUL...and pray you never have to find out. seriously, pray. I WILL WAIT.

good, your back, and hopefully safe.

if i were catholic that would merit a father forgive me moment. Being mormon I think I am safe, well safe enough. I still have my calling, which is like a job in our church, which doesn't mean much, it just means they are still desperate.

I conducted today in Relief Society and to save any of you readers who are still reading from over share I will just stop at that. it wasn't as bad as last nights honesty, but close. i guess when you have lived my life you have a lot to say that people respond in shock and horror over. i don't know any different or any better. it is the only life i know, and i guess when lessons are taught from a holy errr than holy level, which tends to happen, most people don't realize just how bad things can get, and that families are forever sounds more like a threat to some people, and that it really doesn't make for an easy lesson to live through, when you know the things i learned early only in my life. lets just say my comments began with something to do with a wrecking ball, and the destruction of a childhood, and not really being a fan of live perfect and you have nothing to fear....i am not sure who i am tied to for eternity at this point, but i am thankful that the link goes back to adam and eve, and that i will somewhere find contentment with the sisters that i dearly love, enjoy, and appreciate, the sisters I meet with each week, my sisters, by family, my daughter, my cousins, dear aunts, grandmothers....i may not be their child....born into the covenant as they say, but somewhere i will be collected up and kept, i had two offers from sisters in Relief Society to take me if i am so orphaned in heaven, as here on earth.

phew, that was way to long, but to save me from having to go back, read and edit, i will just begin a new paragraph, and get to my point...hopefully you stopped reading too and just began again here. point, yes, i have one. my cousin blogged about this baby making her butt look big, and my sister told me a funny this week about a kid asking a lady if a baby was growing in her stomach what was growing in her butt, so I blame both of you. Its not a bad blame, it is a THANK YOU because i had just the right words to deal with a circumstance at church today.

Here goes, yes, actually my point: At church many things happened today, of which I want to blog three.

1) after relief society i get my usual dose of sisters needing to report something and today was not unusual. I decided to handle it with flair. as the complaint was coming in about something that i had missed during the week, something that i should have handled/ie taken care of, remembered....deadlines. I don't understand deadlines at church, and being just a week shy of post-operative, and still swollen, not bending well, just thankful that I was upright, and for girdles,,,,yes, thankful for girdles, which can hold in stuff that you need holding in I was able to look at this the complainer, and just say in response to what I was missing that should have been/could have been done [certainly not life or death....i mean this is church, and it didn't have to do with food, oxygen, water or shelter, the essential essentials] and say...."Does this surgery make my butt look big."

Yes, that is my exact words. let me repeat: "Does this surgery make my butt look big."

she stopped. and i said sorry, i was just wondering. go on, what were you saying. to which she said. oh....i heard you had surgery, and i said, yes, and what is it that i missed, hmmm, i will get to that right away....after my nap of course.

okay, item #2 this story includes Joe and let me just forewarn you that stories that include him are usually inappropriate and sometimes really painful. reader beware.

Elder Johnson came up to me, right after talking to the sister about my butt looking big, and right before story number three, which is a elijah story and also includes Elder Johnson. If you don't know Elder Johnson don't worry, just click on his picture here and you will be taken to one of my favorite talks from conference. all his talks are good, but i really loved this one.

(yes, loving this talk may confuse you being that i struggle with what i mentioned earlier, but focus on the restoring is my hope, i love my family, and i pray for that restoration of the family that i belong to, i want to be with everyone of them.)

okay, now to continue he comes up to me and takes my hand, not uncommon, his wife is my visiting teacher, and they are an amazing couple, but today he says, i will never forget and always remember, "Dear sister, your daughter Cece is an amazing young girl, i could not overcome how beautiful in spirit she was in Young Women's today [yes, I just said Young Women's, and yes, I am having a hard time with that as well.] She is an amazing young girl and you should be really proud of her. I can tell that she has been taught well in your home."

oh course i said thank you, i think, i was so overcome. Cece was called and sustained as the Beehive Counselor today, Henry as the Teacher Quorum President, so it was a nice meeting all together.

and that was probably the nicest moment of getting a compliment about your child I have ever had. It wasn't his words, with was the feeling and the spirit that I felt while he was saying them. Amazing.

okay, i haven't mentioned Brian in this story yet, and here is where the story gets interesting...
Brian and i over lunch were talking, yes, we talk.

and he mentions that Elder Johnson came into the clerks office and took his hand and complimented him on Cece. He tells me the conversation:

Elder Johnson: Brother, Your daughter is a beautiful and amazing young girl, with an amazing spirit and strength, I don't know where you got her, but she is something special.

Brian: Oh, she's from the postman....

to which Elder Johnson did not reply beyond saying that we were fortunate to have her.....did you expect him to....GEEZ ...the postman, the milkman, the milkmaid, the paper boy...always some comment when he is complimented on our children.

anyhow, i am going to move on before i say what is on my mind..

so, Elder Johnson is speaking to me and Elijah looks up at him and says, "Yeah, this is my mom but I don't live with her right now. I moved out. I live with my aunt. I only see my mom at church."


(I can hear my sister right now saying, OH NO HE DIDN"T, you are aren't you....}

Yes, he did, he said it. How do you follow your child when they tell an apostle of the Lord that you are their mom...but that they don't live with you.

I say: "Yes, he moved out until Tuesday morning, it is just something he is trying."

To which Elijah said: "No, not just trying it out, I don't live with her [pointing to me] right now."

okay, at this point I just smiled, because I know enough from family services in my childhood it is just best not to say anything more....

and that was our Sabbath. How was yours?

just in case this was all together too long and you didn't want to read it i will post a picture for your pleasure. I love visual rhetoric. okay....happy day!

No comments:

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191